At the End of Your Ceremony

How will you be pronounced by the officiant?

I was emailing with a couple recently who sent me a note on their ceremony draft. One of the grooms wrote, "Jeff and I have been together for more than 14 years. After a life of saying 'my partner' I'd love, at long last, to say, 'my spouse.'"

And so he did. Language is a funny thing. I know another unmarried gay couple together more than ten years who refer to themselves not as partners, but as lovers. That term is not for everyone but it works for them.

This is a big decision for gay and lesbian couples. I get asked all the time about how the officiant will declare them at the conclusion of the ceremony. I now declare you...

• legally married
• lawfully married
• partners for life
• married partners
• husbands/wives to one another
• spouses for life
• something else?

Jen and I chose "legally married" - and that felt right for me in particular because the legal bit is so important. We live in a state where our marriage is legal and I want that word to be heard loud and clear.

How is your officiant pronouncing you at the conclusion of your wedding ceremony?

Photo by Michael Manning

I'm Coming Out!

I was with a couple today who have been together for 11 years and came out to their families about two years ago. Coming out is a process they struggled with and when planning their wedding, coming out is the last thing they wanted to do.

But did you know that each wedding has an average of 43 vendors? Think about it: the venue, caterer, bartender, invitation company, limo, etc. And we don't always hire the first people we meet, so over and over again, we come out as we plan, and hope for the best.

I always advise coming out by phone or email before your appointment, almost the first words out of your mouth so you're not catching a vendor off guard, and so you can take their temperature on the subject right away. For example, on a phone call, "Hi, I'm getting married next July to my partner Brad. It's a same-sex wedding and I wanted to check on your availability and rates." How do they react?

What's your secret for coming out effectively?

Photo by Katje Hempel

A Homemade Chuppah

I've planned a ton of Jewish and interfaith weddings, many of which have a chuppah. Have you ever seen these before? They are the canopy under which the couple marries. The canopy symbolizes building a new home together. They're great!

Many couples don't want to rent a chuppah from a florist and instead make one from scratch themselves. Before you do that, think about these questions:

1) do you want the chuppah to be free-standing or will you have chuppah holders? The couple in this photo have chuppah holders.

2) If you want the chuppah free standing, how do you plan to secure the base? Believe it or not, concrete is commonly used! My wedding last weekend used a bunch of rocks

3) Do you have a family tallit or fabric to use to create the canopy or will you need to buy this?

4) Who will set up and decorate the chuppah on your wedding day?

5) Where will it go after the wedding?

If you're comfortable with the answers to these questions, then you should, by all means, make your own chuppah! They are a beautiful addition to a wedding ceremony!

Photo by Gretje Ferguson