Civil Unions in Illinois and Hawaii

Hawaii will have civil unions available to same-sex couples on January 1, 2012, and Illinois will on June 1, 2011. This is great news to couples in those states who can have enjoy some rights and privileges of marriage (though not full marriage equality or any federal benefits.)

A beach ceremony in Hawaii sounds pretty amazing right now, after such a cold and snowy winter in Boston. Where are you planning to get married?

Photo by Doreen Birdsell

Wedding Planning Timeline

A lot of you are probably newly engaged. Here is the official 14 Stories planning timeline to help you through your process!

Twelve+ months before the wedding:

• Make your guest list.
• Build your wedding budget.
• Hire a wedding planner to help you with the vendor-selection process.
• Compare facilities for ceremony, rehearsal, and reception sites.
• Set your wedding date, time, and location.
• Interview and hire an officiant.
• Identify attendants, ushers, and the like.
• Identify a hotel for room-blocks for out-of-town guests

Six to twelve months before the wedding:

• Create a wedding website.
• Order and mail save-the-date cards.
• Set up gift registry.
• Choose a theme, if you like, to be integrated throughout the wedding (you might choose a color theme, or something more specific, like an ocean theme or a Broadway musical theme).
• Compare and hire vendors who may work only one event a day and set aside money for deposit checks:
• Photographer.
• Entertainment.
• Videographer.
• Hair and Makeup Artists.
• Compare and hire vendors who may work multiple events per day and set aside money for deposit checks:

o Caterers.

o Florists.

o Rental party services for chairs, tents, and the like.

o Bakers.

• Select Your Wardrobe:
• Select partners’ and attendants’ clothing.
• Mothers’ clothing choices to coordinate with wedding, if desired.
• Schedule an engagement photo shoot with your photographer.
• Choose Your stationery.
• Select invitations.
• Select stationery for thank-you notes.

Two to three months before the wedding:

• Decide:
• Music for wedding and reception.
• Location and guest list for rehearsal dinner.
• Choose a final menu with caterer.

· Address and stamp envelopes and mail invitations.

· Confirm:

• Confirm flower orders, rose petals, confetti, etc.
• Confirm wedding cake flavors.

· Buy:

• Gifts for all attendants.
• Wedding favors.
• Wedding rings.

· Arrange:

• Transportation for wedding party.
• Hair and makeup trials.
• Ceremony microphone and sound system, if necessary.
• Special champagne toasting flutes if desired.
• Special cake knife and server, if desired.

One month before the wedding:

• Make the following arrangements:
• Get floor plans of venues.
• Decide on seating arrangement for reception.
• Confirm hotel accommodations and honeymoon tickets.
• Determine places for partners to dress.
• Determine places for attendants to dress.
• Apply for and pick up marriage license.
• Get clothing ready:
• Break in shoes.
• Check final fittings on clothing for the partners.

· Sit for wedding portrait.

· Write announcement for paper.

· Attend pre-wedding showers and parties.

Two weeks before the wedding:

• Confirm and notify:
• Verify number of wedding guests.
• Inform caterer of final number and any special dietary needs.

· Print!

• Design and print a program booklet for ceremony.
• Design and print menus for each table.
• Design and print place cards for each table or escort cards.

One week before the wedding:

• Prepare a full day-of schedule.
• Confirm vendors:
• Officiant.
• Photographer.
• Videographer.
• Florist.
• Musicians.
• Baker.
• Favor supplier.
• Rental company.
• Make final preparations:
• Pack for honeymoon.
• Spend at least one quiet evening with each other.
• Make decisions and purchases about personal touches—votives in bathrooms, rose petals, etc.
• Designate someone to transport gifts and flowers from the reception.
• Designate someone to pin personal flowers.
• Buy guest book.
• Write a speech or thank-you words, if desired.

The day before the wedding:

• Lay out partners’ clothing
• Pack partners’ going away clothing.
• Pack toiletries.
• Make out final checks to the officiant, musicians, DJ, photographer, caterer, and any other vendors due a final payment.
• Put aside envelopes for tips for catering staff, musicians, officiant, and drivers.
• Attend rehearsal dinner.

The day of the wedding:

• Get dressed.
• Thank everyone for attending and helping.
• Let your wedding planner distribute the checks; manage the flow; answer all questions; place the place cards, menus, and favors; and do all setup and cleanup!

After the wedding:

• Mail wedding announcements, if you use them.
• Write remainder of thank-you notes.
• Invite family and wedding party as dinner guests.
• Live, love, laugh, and be happy!

Photo by Cheryl Levine

Step 7 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

This is last part in my blog series about getting your parents excited about your gay wedding. If you are just joining us, the first step is located here.

Step seven: As the wedding gets close, distract your parents some more. If your parents live out of state, when they come to town, keep them busy with projects. This means that you should ask them to write out escort cards, bring gift bags to the hotel and tidy your house so it’s clean after your honeymoon. They will have nervous energy, still with no expectations about a gay wedding and will be all wound up possibly worrying about what others will think. Channel their energy to your own benefit.

We had Jen’s mom assembling out of town guest gift bags and writing out escort cards. We had her parents, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend over our condo loading up the car with everything and tidying our house so we wouldn't come home to a mess post-honeymoon. Worked like a charm and everyone had fun with it.

These steps have been spread out in part because they take time to execute. This is a gradual process but I know for a fact that these steps really work to ease your parents into the idea of a gay wedding. Please leave a note in the comments letting me know if these have worked for you!

Photo by Cheryl Levine

Step 6 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Your parents are starting to get really excited by now - now is the time to channel their excitement appropriately. For a recap of earlier steps, start here.

Step six: Give your parents a project during the wedding planning process. Channel your parents’ new enthusiasm into a very narrow and specific project. This is very important if you want to retain ownership over your wedding plans. The trick is to distract your parents with something they would strive to be very good at. Pardon my use of gender roles, but I've observed that moms like being a hostess so give them the project of planning wedding weekend activities for out of town guests. That’s my favorite thing to focus eager moms. Also, if you are having gift bags to welcome wedding guests to your hotel, put mom in charge - she'll love the shopping AND the assembly.

But maybe your dad likes to make homemade beer or wine? Maybe he can make favors for your guests. Or maybe he's very handy - can he build you a chuppah (if you want a chuppah)?

Jen’s mom was in charge of the bridal shower. She also had a lot of input on the post-wedding brunch and the weekend activities. She had stuff to do and for which to feel responsible - but this was channeled appropriately so we could stay focused on our own responsibilities.