There have been about 70,000 legal same sex marriages performed in the U.S. since 2004 . That's a lot for sure, but I'm willing to bet (and I wish I had data on this) that many of those couples had a marriage ceremony, not a big gay wedding. I met a couple recently who like many couples, had a brief marriage in the Arlington Street Church in Boston that first week they were legal, when the ASC was holding marriage ceremonies every 15 minutes. I've personally helped many couples with similar ceremonies through my company's elopement packages.
I've noticed this subject as a debate among couples, especially those who never grew up thinking it would be possible to marry, or never envisioned their own wedding. I've met many couples who are unsure whether they want a wedding, or where one partner is trying to convince the other on the subject. In the beginning, back in 2004, many couples I worked with were in their 40s and 50s and there was enormous pent up demand for marriage. In the past couple of years, many couples I work with are in their 20s and early 30s - which is around my age and the average age couples in general marry in Massachusetts.
So what do you do - have a marriage ceremony/elopement or have a wedding? Of course, weddings cost a lot of money with the national average somewhere around $22,000. But I have a lot of experience with weddings and there is nothing more moving to me, still, to this day, than seeing a gay or lesbian couple stand up in front of their friends and family, and get legally married. And the validation and support they receive from their guests is truly priceless. The key word is validation. Gay weddings are jubilant. There is a sense of triumph. And I feel like there is no greater party.
I understand the desire to elope or to keep it small. Many brides (or grooms) don't like being the center of attention or simply can't or don't want to spend the money or deal with the planning stress. And I'll never try to convince a couple otherwise. That validation from "community" isn't something everyone needs.
So how do you reach a resolution? What did you decide? Are you having a marriage or a wedding?
A few years ago, I planned a wedding at a summer camp. It's always fun to transform a space and in this case, we turned a camp dining hall into a wedding ballroom for the main event. 
