Questions for Your Caterer

At some point during your wedding planning process, you should actually get to eat the food that will be served at your wedding. This may be the only time in your life where you can give a real chef constructive feedback to his or her face! It's your wedding food so this is an important detail. During the tasting, think through all of these questions:

* How is the food presented?

* Are hot dishes served hot and cold dishes served cold?

* Is the plate presentation appetizing?

* Are the hors d'oevures easy for your guests to eat? Side note: I hate skewers - they are awkward and unattractive!

* Do the flavors pop and are they complex? Is the food absolutely divine?

* Do the courses flow well together? Is there too much of one kind of protein or do you have items that are very divisive (like goat cheese, which I love)? I'm not saying you need to change or eliminate those items!

* Is there a nice balance of selections for vegetarians and carnivores?

* Will there be any in-season changes to the menu?

* When is the latest date you can make a change to the menu?

* Is the caterer managing your rental order? Did you pick linens yet? Make them show you swatches!

* Are the plates you're eating off the same plates you're using on your wedding day? Same for flatware and glassware?

* Will you be having chargers? Side note: Say yes! Chargers are lovely!

* What is their standard napkin fold? Do you like it?

* If you are a same-sex couple, be sure to get assurance that every last person on the service staff will treat you right!

* If you need them, does the caterer or venue provide menu cards? What is the heading at the top of the cards?

* Think about when you will be having a champagne toast. Do you want the champagne pre-set at the dinner table?

* What is the approximate timing for dinner? How long does it take them to get through 3 courses if it is a plated meal?

* Is there a separate cake cutting fee?

* Will they be providing tableside wine service? Do you want them to?

* Confirm whether the fee includes staff gratuity? Side note: typically not included when you are working with an outside caterer.

* Confirm the bar setup if you are hosting the bar: flat fee per person or consumption? Maybe you're lucky enough to bring in your own alcohol.

* If possible, taste your wedding wine with the food. If the venue provides the food and bar, then ask them for a wine tasting. If you're bringing in your own caterer and bar, then bring your own wine to the tasting!

* What time will the caterer begin setup?

* If you haven't already done so, ID a location for your gift table, guest book, escort cards

* Confirm the flow of the space if the ceremony is held onsite: where does everyone go for cocktail hour while the room is being flipped for dinner? How much of the dinner tables are set up prior to the ceremony and how will they be hidden discreetly?

* If you don't have a wedding planner to manage the caterer, who will be your day of event go-to person? What capacity does that person have to act as an event planner and liason with the other vendors like the DJ & photographer?

You may already know the answers to these questions but if not, the tasting is the right time to find out.

Non-Traditional Wedding Venues

A few years ago, my team and I took over a large summer camp for a three day wedding weekend. I love working in nontraditional wedding venues. It's fun thinking outside the box and can be a great way to tie into a theme.

Consider these options for your wedding:

* restaurants
* bed and breakfasts/inns
* parks

* islands (I produced a wedding last year on an island in Boston Harbor)

* galleries

What type of venue did you choose for your wedding?

Restaurant Weddings

Over the weekend, I had a small gay wedding with 30 guests at a restaurant in Harvard Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. It was great! Ceremony and cocktail hour were held in the outdoor patio area before the restaurant was open for dinner. Then the brides and their guests ate dinner in the restaurant's private dining room.

Restaurant weddings can bring you the best of everything: a cool space that doesn't need a lot of decorating; delicious, seasonal food; and great cocktails! Typically restaurant wedding require a food and beverage minimum (if held in a private dining room) or a flat fee restaurant buyout rate (if you take over the entire restaurant).

Is your wedding being held in a restaurant?

Photo by Kristin Korpos

Seamless Wedding Stationery

A few years ago, I planned a wedding at a summer camp. It's always fun to transform a space and in this case, we turned a camp dining hall into a wedding ballroom for the main event.

To the left you can see a photo of one of the dinner tables, each the name of a vegetable. We had a graphic designer named J Sherman Studio create custom design for all of the stationery elements - the invitations, table name signs, escort cards and so forth. The design was seamless and branded their wedding.

You can see more photos of the wedding right here!

Are you planning to "brand" your wedding?

The Post-Elopement Party for Same-Sex Couples

I work with many couples who live in other states. Some come to Massachusetts or New York or anywhere else gay marriage is legal for a basic elopement which just includes getting their marriage license in one day and having the wedding ceremony performed for them. Some want to add on cake, professional photography and accommodations. And some will bring 50 of their nearest and dearest for a big wedding celebration (for which the Massachusetts economy thanks them).

I've done it all, and it's always a great time. But I've noticed that many couples I work with on the elopements choose to celebrate their marriage with a party back in their home state. It's a nice compromise since it is often hard to get all of your loved ones to your chosen destination.

I was with two ladies this morning from New Mexico who are marrying on July 4 and will have a party back home later this summer. They'll have the privacy and discretion of their own marriage and then celebrate with an event that is more of a party than a wedding - and that is exactly their style.

If you are planning to marry in a destination where gay marriage is legal, are you planning to then have a party or wedding reception for your friends and family once you return to your home state? Tell me about it in the comments!

Easy Wedding Websites

Many of my clients have many guests from other states at their wedding. I always recommend creating a wedding Web site as a central location for all of your wedding information, and I have some special tips to share to do this most effectively:

*Buy your personal domain (for example, www.bobandbill.com) through GoDaddy.com (my preferred site for domain registration).
Set up a free wedding Web site through a site like here on TheKnot.com or also WeddingWire.com or MyWedding.com

*Go to the “Manage My Domains” section on GoDaddy and set the personal domain to forward to the often-lengthy URL provided by WeddingWire, TheKnot or your other wedding website.

*Share your personal domain (e.g., www.bobandbill.com) on your save-the dates and other wedding materials.

*Use GoDaddy after the wedding when the professional photographs are ready, and change the forwarding destination of the personal domain to the link provided by your photographer.

*Tell your guests to go to your personal domain to view your professional wedding photos.

This process is quick and painless and there are countless templates to choose from!

Weddings in Private Homes

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer?
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn?
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains?
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise?
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens.
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator.
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed?

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

Photo by Closed Circle Photo

Tipping Tips!

Before tipping anyone, check carefully to see what is included in the bill … limo companies, caterers, and venues providing valet and coat check services may already have a line item for gratuity!

• Caterers: Look for a gratuity line item for both the service staff and the bartender. If it’s not included, leave thirty-five to fifty dollars per server and for the catering manager, and 15 to 20 percent of the bar bill for the bartender(s).
• Limo: Leave 15 to 20 percent of the bill.
• Musicians: Tip each musician twenty five dollars or more.
• DJ: A DJ should receive 15 percent of his fee, if they do not own their own company.
• Hair & Makeup: Tip the stylists 15 to 20 percent of their fees.
• Valet: Tip the valets fifty cents to one dollar per car.
• Coat Check: Coat checkers should receive fifty cents to one dollar per coat

For exceptional service, you may, but need not tip (or give a gift to) your:

• Photographer/Videographer
• Floral Designer
• Planner
• Cake-maker

photo by Kevin Day

Planning Your Wedding in 15 Steps!

Most people who find this website are engaged and planning a gay wedding – and most people really don’t know how to begin! Here’s the cheat sheet for you, a quick list of what to do, and in what order.

If you really want to keep things easy, download our free app,Gay Wedding Confidential or buy our bookof the same name! Both have all these tools in more detail.

1. Make your guest list and stick to it. Create guest list policies. Figure out if you are having attendants.

2. Figure out how much you can afford to spend and where the money is coming from. Then revisit the guest list and trim if necessary.

3. Have a conversation with your partner about the non-negotiables that each of you may have about your overall wedding vision. For someone it may be a beach ceremony. For the other it may be getting married by a rabbi like my brides in the photo above, who wanted both. And so forth. Know each of your non-negotiables.

4. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest for you! Of course…and this is why.

5. Find a gay-friendly wedding venue that meets your criteria for non-negotiables, guest count and budget.

6. Shop for your wedding outfits and for your wedding party, also, if applicable.

7. Block hotel rooms near your wedding for out of town guests.

8. Make a wedding website and send out save the date cards.

9. Hire all the gay-friendly wedding professionals who only do one wedding per day (photographer, officiant, band, DJ, etc)

10. Spend time thinking about colors, themes, design, layout, flow, personal details like favors, etc.

11. Hire the gay-friendly wedding professionals who do more than one wedding per day (florist, cake maker, caterer etc)

12. Send out invitations, collect responses and figure out where everyone is seated.

13. Create a very detailed wedding day schedule and send it to everyone you’ve hired to be involved with your wedding.

14. Have a rehearsal!

15. Get married!

Did you just get engaged over the holidays?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

Gay Weddings in Restaurants

Gay weddings at restaurants can be some of the easiest weddings to plan if you are doing it yourself.

There are some serious advantages to choosing the private dining room of a great restaurant:

• There is usually no room rental fee.
• There is often a great chef with delicious, locally grown and seasonal food.
• Restaurants come in all shapes and sizes and styles - they're not generally a "blank canvas" so if you like their decor, you can save money on wedding design.
• The bar tab is on consumption so the party can theoretically go all night (or til the restaurant closes) so the wedding doesn't have to feel rushed.

And the disadvantages:

• There is often no good place to have the ceremony onsite.
• Many private dining room coordinators aren't experienced with weddings so there may be a learning curve.
• There is often no dedicated outside area if you require one.
• Many private dining rooms don't have windows.
• Most private dining rooms have a maximum capacity of around 50-60 guests so you may be limited in choices unless you would consider a full restaurant buyout (in which the restaurant closes for your party).

Some couples looking for a wedding bigger than what will fit in a private dining room still choose a restaurant. To do so, they have to buy it out. This means that the restaurant will be closed to the public for the private party and the couple would pay the restaurant a minimum amount (typically starts at $10,000) for the right to use the entire restaurant for the night.

That said, I've had many gay weddings at restaurants and they are lovely. Are you considering hosting your gay wedding in a restaurant?

Cocktail Reception Type Weddings

Cocktail party style weddings are very trendy right now, particularly with couples who want to do something nontraditional. While sit down dinners are great, they are not for everyone. This style of wedding can work extremely well - or it can be a disaster. Keep these tips on mind to avoid the pitfalls of such a wedding.

1. Feed your guests - a lot. Just because it's a cocktail party style event doesn't mean you can skimp on food. Whether you have passed hors d'oeuvres all night or some good stations mixed in, keep the food flowing. Your food budget will probably not be less than a typical sit down dinner, so get that idea out of your head! Your guests may be drinking more of the hard stuff since there's no tableside wine service with dinner so you have to keep them well fed. The last thing you want is guests bad-mouthing you because they had to go out for pizza on the way home from the wedding.

2. Provide enough seating. I suggest at least seats for at least 50% of your guests. These seats can be lounge seats, small cocktail tables, bar seating, picnic benches or whatever floats your boat - but at some point each guest will want to sit so don't leave them hunting for a chair. If you have many guests over the age of 60, then provide even more seating.

3. Provide adequate flow. Just because it's a cocktail party doesn't mean there shouldn't be a first dance, toasts, a cake cutting or other forms of entertainment. You may have some wallflowers in your group who need conversation starters and those elements do just that. Don't let anyone get bored or the party will end early. I promise.

4. Be aware of time. Most wedding venues rent for a 5 hour reception. Your guests will start to lose steam at the 3-4 hour mark unless there is dancing - but many cocktail party style weddings don't have dancing. Don't tell the guests this, but plan for a 4 hour reception and make a game day decision to keep the party going if guests are still having a blast. Tell your vendors that this could be a last minute decision and assign your wedding planner or friend to make the call so you don't have to worry about a thing.

5. Communicate with your guests. Let them know it's a cocktail party rather than a sit down dinner by using the term 'cocktail reception' on your wedding invitation. This sends a signal that they may get less food and that they may want to wear more sensible shoes because of all the standing around. Help everybody by managing their expectations.

Are you planning to host a cocktail reception instead a formal dinner?

Setting Your Wedding Budget

Your wedding budget dictates many things about your wedding and truly, before you do almost anything else, you have to figure out what your budget is and where the money is coming from. It's an absolute imperative. First establish whether there will be any financial support from parents, and if possible, exactly how much. I know it's a difficult conversation to have but the more you put it off, the more difficult it will be.

The cost of a wedding varies greatly by region of the country. For example, a wedding in New York City is much more expensive than a wedding in Memphis or even a wedding in Chicago. As a general rule of thumb, if you are going to feed your guests a full dinner (whether's it's plated or a buffet), give them hors d'oeuvres, have an open bar and a wedding cake, you should expect to pay $100 and up (and it can go WAY up) per guest. And that $100 per person charge doesn't typically include things like sales tax, gratuity or an administrative and/or venue rental fee, which can be another 30% or more.

Add to that professional photography, wedding planning, invitations, music, officiant, etc and weddings get pricey. Don't be scared - just be realistic and honest with yourself about what you can and cannot afford. And trust me, your wedding is worth it!!

photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Three Days of Parties (aka The Wedding Weekend)

Three days of parties. That's my term for what most people call "the wedding weekend." You know, where you have a bunch of out of town guests and plan something like a rehearsal dinner on Friday night, the wedding on Saturday and brunch on Sunday.

I think we can do better than that...that's very typical. Let's have three days of parties. Our clients do it all the time.

Think about it. Your wedding is probably the only time in your life all of your loved ones are in one place - and they are there to celebrate YOU. Might as well enjoy it all. Here's what three days of parties looks like for many of our clients:

Day 1 - Guest arrival

• Receive fun, whimsical and creative welcome basket upon hotel check in
• If you're in a city, evening cocktail party with heavy passed hors d'oeuvres and a very fun, casual vibe
• If you're somewhere more remote, a casual cookout style event with a bonfire on the beach, s'mores, etc

Day 2 - Tourist stuff and wedding

• If you're in a big city, arrange tickets to a game, tickets to a museum, tickets on some fun and cheesy tour with lunch
• If you're somewhere more remote, coordinated group activities (kayaking, games, hikes)
• If you're somewhere like Provincetown, group shopping and dining excursion, possibly a whale watch or Dune Tour
• Everyone freshens up and the couple gets ready for the wedding
• The wedding!
• After party!

Day 3 - Brunch and departures

• Most of your guests will head out on Sunday but send them off with a really sweet brunch with bloody marys and mimosas to aid in recovery - and be sure to be present at the brunch yourself to say goodbye to your guests!

How are you planning to show your guests a good time?

(Photo by Jag Studios, of a bonfire and s'mores at a private vacation rental on Cape Cod)

To Keep or Not to Keep Straight Wedding Traditions?

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing...the ceremony (often religious), photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest peeps?!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Closed Circle Photo)

Planning a Green Gay Wedding

Green Weddings

Planning a green or organic wedding need not be a sacrifice or a compromise of your fabulous gay wedding vision. It's actually quite easy to be green. Here are a few tips:

Clothing

Hemp wedding gowns used to be hideous – but now there are actually many stylish options. Check out this site for some ideas for your gown and bridesmaids dresses. Consider a wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses than can be worn again. Consider repurposing a mom’s wedding dress.

Venue

There are many hotels and other venues in the Greater Boston area that are energy-ecient, use

environmentally friendly products, have comprehensive recycling programs and minimize water, waste and toxins. Other spaces charge a rental fee that support efforts to preserve beautiful places.

Invitations and Stationary

Eco-friendly invitations exist – partially-recycled paper is fairly easy to nd and it's even possible to order paper that's plantable with embedded seeds. Minimize the use of stationary by eliminating save the date cards, ceremony programs and place cards.

Food and Drink

Beyond the obvious – organic food, cake, beer and wine – you can simply consider local ingredients. Massachusetts has many local farms that supply the nest restaurants and caterers, and locally grown food always tastes better. There are several local cake bakeries that will use only organic ingredients.

Décor

Organic owers can be tricky to nd but locally grown owers are great, too. Use owers that are in season that do not need to be transported from around the world (orchids are extremely popular but come to us from Asia, for example). Ask if your orist will rent vases or if they have any made from recycled glass. Also consider table linens made of organic cotton, silk or recycled materials. Use beeswax or soy candles instead of the standard petroleum variety. Skip favors for guests – they won't even notice – or, better yet, instead make a donation on behalf of each to a local nonprofit organization and indicate so with a card at each table. If you do want to leave a favor, consider tulip bulbs, saplings, organic chocolate or another sustainable option.

Transportation

Cut down on transportation costs and its environmental impact by having your ceremony and reception at the same location, or within an easy walk.

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

The Year of the Vegetable?

I was at a catering tasting yesterday and heard that 2011 is the "year of the vegetable." That means that Americans are expected to eat more veggies than ever before and veggies will be a big part of wedding menus. Apparently last year was the "year of the pig." Who makes these decisions anyway?

I love this, though. One of the many things that is wonderful about the locally grown, sustainable agriculture movement is that wedding food tastes so much better. I am thrilled that my clients are demanding it.

One of the tricks about this is that sometimes wedding menus aren't set until right before the wedding day - in order to truly work with what is local and available that week. I worked with two wonderful guys from Manhattan who chose one of Boston's top restaurants for their wedding. But because the menu was seasonally changing and they weren't able to make a final trip, they sent me in the Tuesday prior to choose between their possible entrees. Yum!

The great thing about seasonal dishes is that they put everyone in a good mood. Right now strawberries are everywhere and who doesn't love a ripe and juicy strawberry - nothing quite says summer like it. And I think there's something sexy and mildly suspenseful by seeing a wedding menu that simply says "seasonal vegetables."

Are you serving abundant veggies at your wedding?

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Win a Free Wedding In Vermont (for Military Personnel)

Engaged same-sex couples with at least one partner in the military are eligible to win a free wedding in the State of Vermont with the Honor Our Heroes Program sponsored by Winc-Vermont.

The prize includes a full wedding and reception for 50 guests including food, drink and flowers; professional DJ and photography; and a three nights stay at the Calvin Coolidge Homestead.

You can check out the details over here on the Winc-Vermont website! I am so happy they opened this contest to same-sex couples now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed.

Good luck to any of you who enter!

photo by Closed Circle Photo

Toasting Your Guests

Did you know that at some point during a gay wedding reception, one or both newlywed partners toasts their guests? It happens so frequently that it's truly become a gay wedding tradition.

The reason many of my clients have wanted to do this is because they want to acknowledge the love and support they feel from their guests who have made the effort to be at the wedding. For many guests, going to a gay wedding is a big deal and unchartered territory. The couple usually understands and appreciates that.

Some tips for toasting your guests:

* The best time is as guests sit down for dinner, after your first dance, OR right after the cake cutting and before dancing starts

* Keep the toast brief, under 2 minutes

* Keep the toast positive and affirming, as an expression of gratitude

Are you planning to toast your guests during your wedding reception?

Photo by Julia Cumes

The Perfect Wedding Toast

Sorry I've been MIA - my wife just delivered our first baby on Halloween so needless to say, I've had my hands full!

I wanted to share some tips for giving the perfect toast at a gay wedding. If you are engaged, share these tips with whomever you will ask to toast for you. If you have been asked to offer a toast, this is a good start.

* First off, forget about roles and rules. Just because someone is in your wedding party or related to you does not mean they are qualified to give you a toast. Your best friend/attendant may not be a great public speaker. Don't torture him or her by asking for a toast.

* Instead ask people you know can be charming, witty and eloquent without talking too much.

* This is toast, not a roast, so it should be kept clean and PG-rated!

* The perfect toast should be less than 3 minutes long. Don't bore your guests.

* You should have no more than 4 toasts at your wedding.

* Toasts are best split up to be after the first course and after the second course (if a seated dinner), or after all the guests have returned with their dinner plates (if a buffet/food stations).

* Ideally, if you have four toasts, two should be offered to each partner, or one to each partner, and two to each of you.

If you follow these tips, the toasts will almost definitely be a success! Who are you asking to toast at your wedding?

photo by Kristin Korpos

DIY Projects

DIY stands for “Do It Yourself.” I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a crafty person and not at all capable of DIY projects. Some people, however (including of course, Martha Stewart), are brilliant. There are some wonderful DIY resources you should check out to help you make napkin rings, guest books, escort cards, place cards, table runners, linens, and other wedding accessories.

If you have the time, energy, and inclination to make a go at some DIY projects, I highly recommend the following Web sites for templates and step-by-step instructions:

* www.DIYBride.com

* www.MarthaStewartWeddings.com

* www.WeddingChicks.com

And if you, like me, are not a DIY master (but you still appreciate the handcrafted look), you’ll find many cool wedding accessories for sale on www.Etsy.com. I know that I recommended this site earlier in the book, but I think it’s worth a second mention. Etsy is a great place where crafters sell their wares and can even create custom products just for you. I’ve had some good experience with Etsy vendors, but be sure to read reviews and find out for yourself. On Etsy, you can find anything from napkin rings to aisle runners to invitations to wedding wardrobe. The variety is truly astounding!

Are you planning many DIY projects for your wedding?

Photo by Kate McElwee