FAQ About the DOMA Rulings

Politics are confusing and while I'm obsessed with marriage equality news, even I was scratching my head after the Supreme Court overturned the federal portion of DOMA.  Even the fact sheets and stuff I was reading online was confusing, so here's my attempt to answer the FAQs I had about what the good news from last week really means: 

We live in Texas (as one example) but were legally married in NY. Are we now eligible for federal marriage benefits? 

Yes.  Some benefits but not all.  Unfortunately the federal government has a bunch of departments and agencies and each have their own standard of where marriage is defined. Some say "place of residence" (in your case, Texas) and some say "place of celebration" (in your case, NY).  So until there's some consistency in the federal government about which standard to stick to, only the marriage benefits which apply to "place of celebration" will help you.  If that's not clear, this is the best article I've found on the subject.

Is our marriage recognized in Texas? 

No, the part of DOMA that means that states don't have to recognize same-sex marriages remains intact. 

Are we now eligible for state marriage benefits if we live in Texas?   

No.  The part of DOMA that means that states don't have to recognize same-sex marriages remains intact. 

We live in Texas and now want to divorce. Can we?

We don't talk about the D word here at 14 Stories. But if you insist on the D word, yes, but at least one of you has to travel to state where it's legal and establish residence there.

What are some of the federal marriage benefits we can now look forward to?

Filing taxes jointly, social security death benefits, freedom from the estate tax, Family Medical Leave Act, Veteran's spouse's benefits and much more...

Do we still need to hire a LGBT family law attorney to protect our family?

Yes, because when you travel to states and countries where your marriage is not legal, it is important to have your paperwork in order.

Can you recommend one?

Yes, absolutely.  Contact us directly. 

Is gay marriage now legal everywhere in the USA?

Not yet.  We have 37 states to go.

Great News for Marriage Equality

As I've said before, the Family Equality Council is an LGBT organization near and dear to my heart.  In light of the AMAZING news surrounding the Supreme Court's rulings overturning the federal ban on same-sex marriage and restoring marriage equality to California, I wanted to make a donation to FEC on behalf of all new full production clients who book with us at 14 Stories.  SO here's the deal: for all full service weddings booked with 14 Stories by August 15, 2013, 14 Stories will make a donation of $1000 to Family Equality Council.  For every elopement booked in that time, we'll donate $150.  So, show the LOVE with 14 Stories and Family Equality Council.

Which Traditions Should I Keep?

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing.  I've been talking to a bunch of couples lately who are struggling with what traditions to keep and what to ditch when planning their own wedding.

Let's start by examining some of the traditions we've seen over the years:

...couple doesn't see each other before the ceremony, an often religious ceremony, photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest friends and family?

And if you really want to be traditional, consider some Gay Wedding Traditions - yes, there are some!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

Decorating Your Wedding Venue

When we are working with clients, we are often asked to transform a space from a blank canvas into something magical.  This is usually a collaborative effort between the client's vision, our vision and the team of vendors we pull together for each wedding.  From the stationery to the lighting and flowers, we can make everything custom and personal.  Below are some before and after photos from a wedding where we transformed a church hall into a contemporary and elegant wedding space.

The room when we first arrived - some tables were the church's and the rental company left all the chairs stacked.  We used all rectangular tables, some 6' and some 8'. The grooms sat at a small round sweetheart table.

Another view - the room itself was really cool, a blank canvas for our design

We laid out all the tables according to the floor plan we'd pre-designed.  We took down the LOVE banner and another banner and cleared off the corner by the stage, next to the piano (it was full of 'stuff').  

We draped the tables with a violet lamour linen that captures light really well.  We placed the leather slipper chairs according to my floor plan.

The floral arrangements (two different styles on alternating tables) start to get set by Spruce Floral (they rock!) The little signs in the foreground are the table name signs, not yet distributed.

The team at work.  Place settings go down...

Teal napkins in place; drapes closed on the stage.

Candles in matching colors in place.  Menus for each table distributed.

And now for some AFTER pictures:

Style 2 of centerpieces - view of the full, completed table

With all of the window shades drawn, and the addition of uplights around the room

It's pretty cool, right?  Even with my amateur photos... It's fantastic to see the evolution of an event space, and in a space like this, almost anything is possible.  Believe it or not, I have a photo from the very next day when this room was used for a church rummage sale!

How are you planning to style your wedding?

How to Get Married in the New States

Here's the rundown of same-sex marriage laws in the three new states:  Delaware, Rhode Island and Minnesota:

Delaware

• first date to apply: July 1, 2013 
• Waiting Period: 24 hours after license is issued
• Witnesses: 2
• Blood Test: None 
• Divorce Decree Required: Yes
• Fee: $50 for state residents; $100 for non-residents
• Where to Apply: Office of the County Clerk of Peace

Rhode Island

• first date to apply: August 1, 2013
• Waiting Period: None
• Witnesses: 2
• Blood Test: None 
• Divorce Decree Required: Yes
• Fee: $24
• Where to Apply: City or Town Clerk's office in the city where the marriage will take place

Minnesota

• first date to apply: August 1, 2013 
• Waiting Period: 5 business days after license is issued (can be waived with a court order)
• Witnesses: 2 
• Blood Test: None 
• Divorce Decree Required: Yes
• Fee: $40 or $110, depending on if you've taken premarital education classes 
• Where to Apply: A County Registrar's office

Getting Your Parents Excited About Your Wedding

Since the laws are rapidly changing (yay for Delaware, Rhode Island and Minnesota, not to mention some new countries), I'm going to resurrect some of my old how-to style blog posts.  This one is an oldie but a goodie: how to get your parents excited about your gay wedding.

Start here with the first step: Be Patient

Step two: Share your excitement.

Step three: Ask for advice (not money).

Step four:  Excitement is contagious.

Step five: Ask for money (if you need to).

Step six: Give them a project.

Step seven:  Distract them some more.

How are your parents feeling about your gay wedding plans?

Are You Registering for Gifts?

Are you registering for gifts? It seems like the answer should obvious, but in fact, many gay couples do not. The top two reasons for not registering that I’ve observed are:

1. Many gay couples have already been together for years, accumulating a houseful of great stuff—and just don’t need to register.

2. Many gay couples would rather their guests support an important charity, such as those that fight for marriage equality everywhere, rather than give them gifts.

However, many more couples do register for gifts, assuming that inasmuch as most people are going to give them stuff anyway, it should be stuff they actually want, right? Be aware, however, that while most guests give a gift to the couple, they are not obligated to do so, and you should never expect one.

You should note that most stores are still very heterosexist when it comes to wedding registries. There’s a good chance you’ll see “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” on paperwork and on websites. There may be assumptions made about your relationship if you go to the store in person to register for items. The salesclerk might not be enthusiastic. The good news is that the most popular stores allow you to set up your registry online if you would prefer to do so.

So how do you appropriately create a registry?

As a couple, make a list of what you need to furnish and decorate your home. Plan out décor and colors. What is your style: contemporary, traditional, country, or something else?

• Register for more items than you actually need. Guests like choices and you’re not going to get everything on your list. Put yourself in your guests’ situation: if all that’s left on the registry is an iron and a spatula set, they won’t have any fun shopping for you. Plus, lots of stores will help you fulfill your gift registry by offering you a discount on the remaining items after the wedding.
• Register for gifts across a spectrum of budgets, so your guests have options depending on what they can afford. (Don’t make assumptions about people’s generosity (or lack thereof). You’ll be surprised by who gives what!) This is also important because if you do have a wedding shower, you’ll likely get lower-priced gifts at that event and more generous gifts for your wedding.
• Register at multiple stores to give your guests an option that is comfortable for them. For example, even if you register for lower-priced items at Saks, some guests won’t even bother to look there, so also include a more budget-friendly option like Target.
• Remember that it is never good etiquette to include registry information with your wedding invitations. However, this information may be included on shower invitations or you may link to the registries on your wedding website. And you can include the wedding website URL on a logistics card that is enclosed with your invitation suite.
• Provide the store with an address where gifts can be sent. Your guests will like having the option of not bringing the physical gifts to the wedding.
• Consider registering through a charity like the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). Guests can make a donation in your name and feel good about their choice.
• Yes, you can register for a honeymoon if you wish. Some honeymoon registries double as travel agents so you can book your plans directly through them. Others, like Honeyfund, are merely vessels by which you receive checks from your guests. You can indicate where you are going and outline what you may do while you are there. Guests may, for example, treat you to a spa visit, a sailing expedition, dinner on the beach, or a guided tour through a rainforest. It’s a nice win-win. Your guests feel like they are contributing to your honeymoon and they are (and the money you receive that is earmarked for a particular activity may be used in any way you like.)

photo by Doreen Birdsell