I saw a thread on the message board about having a legal gay marriage in Connecticut and having the full wedding in New York. If you want the marriage to be legal, you have to get married in Connecticut, either before or after your New York wedding. The Connecticut marriage license has to be signed in Connecticut by an officiant licensed to marry couples in Connecticut.
If you don't want to be "secretly" married during your big wedding in NY, then have the ceremony afterwards in Connecticut - but again, if you want to make it legal, you have to be in Connecticut and have the license signed in Connecticut (or one of the other states where it's legal: Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, D.C. or Iowa). But the wedding in NY will have no legal merit unless you have the legal marriage at some point.
Here's a link to comprehensive legal information about marrying in Connecticut. It's pretty easy and inexpensive and can literally be done in an hour or two.
And here's a link to a Connecticut Justice of the Peace who officiates many same-sex marriage ceremonies.
If you decide to get married in Massachusetts instead of Connecticut, 14 stories can help with a small ceremony - and also planning your full wedding.
I hope this helps!
photo by Jag Studios
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