Lesbian Wedding Suits and Tuxes

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

For years I’d watched my clients struggle to figure out what to wear to their gay wedding.  My many lesbian and queer clients who wanted to wear a suit or tux were faced with three bad options:  hunt around on the internet and in department stores; buy a man’s suit and have it tailored to fit their body; or have a custom suit made. I struggled with this myself when planning my own wedding to Jen and I’m sure many of you know exactly what I’m talking about.    For years I wanted to solve this problem (except I’m not a fashion designer!) 14 Stories is proud to introduce Fourteen, a line of ready to wear suits, tuxes and accessories especially for lesbian, queer and trans weddings.

Fourteen is the first line of ready to wear garments specifically for this market.  Shirts, jackets, pants, ties, vests and more are for sale now on www.FourteenStyle.com. In the Fourteen clothing line, jackets and shirts have smaller armholes and shorter arm lengths, as well as a shorter torso measurement.  Necklines and shirt cuffs are modified, more bust room added where needed, all without sacrificing design and style.   All of our clothes were tested on and designed with the consultations of real life lesbians, queers and transmen.

Fourteen is designed by Miami-based clothing designer (and my business partner) Marialexandra Garcia.  Marialexandra is a renowned and award winning fashion designer based in Miami.  She led her eponymous design company to sales in over 60 US specialty stores and major retailers like Saks Fifth Avenue.  Check us out www.FourteenStyle.com

How to Get Married in Maryland, Washington and Maine!

 

(photo by Kristin Korpos)

Now that marriage equality is the law in Maryland, Maine and Washington, here's the rundown on how to get married (note:  you must be 18).  Now, go gay weddings!!!

Maryland

• First date to apply:  January 2, 2013
• Waiting Period: 48 hours after license is issued
• Witnesses:  None
• Blood Test:  None
• Divorce Decree Required:  Yes
• Fee:  $35 and up
• Where to Apply:  Circuit Court's office in the county in which you plan to marry

Maine

• First date to apply:  December 6, 2012
• Waiting Period:  None
• Witnesses:  None
• Blood Test:  None
• Divorce Decree Required:  Yes
• Fee:  $20
• Where to Apply:  Town hall where one of the residents live, or if an out of state couple, any town hall.

Washington

• First date to apply:  December 6, 2012
• Waiting Period: 3 days after license is issued
• Witnesses:  2
• Blood Test:  None
• Divorce Decree Required:  No
• Fee:  $35 and up
• Where to Apply:  County Auditor's office

Ask the Wedding Planner

I wanted to make myself available to answer any of your wedding planning questions! I've been planning gay weddings for about 8 years now and have pretty much seen it all! I'd love to answer whatever questions you may have about your big day!

Please leave any questions in the comments and I'll respond in an upcoming post, or email me your question and I'll answer it promptly!

Questions to Ask Before Hiring a Wedding Photographer

Wedding photography is a huge investment but after the wedding is over, the photos remain. It's important to choose the right photographer, not only someone whose personality clicks with yours, but also someone who you trust. As you interview wedding photographers, be sure to ask the following questions:

* Have you shot a gay wedding before?

* How would you describe your style?

* How many photos do you shoot at a typical wedding?

* Do we get proofs of the images?

* Are proofs digital proofs or paper proofs?

* What level of editing do you provide photos before we receive them? Do you do color correction, crop out EXIT signs, and the like?

* Do we get full use of high-resolution images after the wedding?

* Do we book an album through you or can we make our own?

* How long does it take for you to give us the high-resolution wedding photos?

* How long does it take for you to produce an album?

* What is your backup plan in case of emergency?

* Do you offer an assistant and if so, for what price?

* Do you offer an engagement photo shoot and if so, for what price?

* How many weddings do you shoot in a weekend?

* How is your pricing structured?

Enjoy the process of looking through the portfolio of wedding photographers - you may find inspiration for you own weddings!

Who did you choose to be your wedding photographer?

Provincetown Weddings

What's not to love about Provincetown? Same-sex marriage is fully legal there. It has great beaches, fantastic restaurants and a rich nightlife and art scene.

There are tons of inns and bed and breakfasts for every budget and your guests can easily turn your wedding into a vacation.

I plan a bunch of weddings in Ptown every year and it's one of my favorite places for a wedding. The vibe is so casual but you can also do a really elegant wedding. We do a lot of elegant-beachy weddings, like my brides Gail and Paula, to the left. They were married at The Red Inn.

My only word of warning: July and August are peak months in Ptown and many inns require 5 night minimum stays. The Red Inn and some of Ptown's other wedding venues won't offer their spaces for weddings during those months.

Photo by Julia Cumes

Restaurant Weddings

Over the weekend, I had a small gay wedding with 30 guests at a restaurant in Harvard Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts. It was great! Ceremony and cocktail hour were held in the outdoor patio area before the restaurant was open for dinner. Then the brides and their guests ate dinner in the restaurant's private dining room.

Restaurant weddings can bring you the best of everything: a cool space that doesn't need a lot of decorating; delicious, seasonal food; and great cocktails! Typically restaurant wedding require a food and beverage minimum (if held in a private dining room) or a flat fee restaurant buyout rate (if you take over the entire restaurant).

Is your wedding being held in a restaurant?

Photo by Kristin Korpos

Gay Wedding Fatigue? Never!

Gay weddings are a very good thing. I plan them for a living. So when I read this weekend's New York Times story on gay wedding fatigue, I was naturally annoyed.

I get it, but just a little bit. Weddings can be expensive and annoying for guests... but you see, when the rights of a minority group are withheld, of course there's going to be pent-up demand and a subsequent surge when rights are granted.

I would hardly call this a bad thing. None of the "fatigued" mentioned in the article indicated they'd been to more than a dozen gay weddings even in the past year. The author has been to six gay weddings with two more coming up -- so eight in two years. Not a big deal in my opinion. We've all been to loads of straight weddings over the years. Suck it up -- or don't. You don't have to go! We all have busy Saturday nights... This is a good problem to have.

The author did give some humorous examples of some of the antics of gay weddings. I happen to love the way the dance floor inevitably gets packed during "Dancing Queen" and I, too, may have rolled my eyes at "Love Will Build a Bridge" but the fact remains, that these weddings are incredibly emotional and joyous.

See, these couples FINALLY get these rights -- and given the history in America of same-sex marriage rights being granted and then stripped away (i.e. Maine, California) -- or possibly stripped away this November (Maryland, Washington), who wouldn't want to rush to the altar?! Granted, New York's law has been more stable than other states, but still, some same-sex couples have that fear.

At this point in my career, I've been to hundreds of gay weddings -- the little ones on a Tuesday afternoon with just a few guests in the park, and the big bashes with drag queens and show girls. I had one of those myself. And honestly, they are still emotional for me. That feeling of "Finally!" is transcendent. That feeling of "Finally!" is what truly separates gay from straight weddings. Us same-sex couples don't take our rights for granted. That emotion makes for amazing marriage ceremonies -- which then lead to truly off-the-hook receptions!

Even if, as in the op-ed's example, there is an occasional nude gay wedding on Fire Island, or a wedding where all the guests are required to submit a photo of their planned outfit in advance for approval, which might be a lot to ask of your guests, I can promise them that it'll be one hell of a party.

photo by Closed Circle Photography

Gay Weddings in Episcopal Churches

Did you hear the news that the Episcopal Church is allowing Priests to bless gay marriage ceremonies?

It's not a case for full marriage - and Priests can certainly opt-out - but this is great progress for one of the largest churches in the U.S. Priests can bless the service but stop short of making the formal marriage pronouncement, which needs to be made by someone else authorized to do so, such as a Justice of the Peace.

I personally love gay weddings in churches. I grew up VERY Catholic and while I'm not religious at all now, I am particularly moved and emotional by our ceremonies that happen in churches. Maybe now they can happen a little more often...

Seamless Wedding Stationery

A few years ago, I planned a wedding at a summer camp. It's always fun to transform a space and in this case, we turned a camp dining hall into a wedding ballroom for the main event.

To the left you can see a photo of one of the dinner tables, each the name of a vegetable. We had a graphic designer named J Sherman Studio create custom design for all of the stationery elements - the invitations, table name signs, escort cards and so forth. The design was seamless and branded their wedding.

You can see more photos of the wedding right here!

Are you planning to "brand" your wedding?

To Elope or to Have a Wedding?

There have been about 70,000 legal same sex marriages performed in the U.S. since 2004 . That's a lot for sure, but I'm willing to bet (and I wish I had data on this) that many of those couples had a marriage ceremony, not a big gay wedding. I met a couple recently who like many couples, had a brief marriage in the Arlington Street Church in Boston that first week they were legal, when the ASC was holding marriage ceremonies every 15 minutes. I've personally helped many couples with similar ceremonies through my company's elopement packages.

I've noticed this subject as a debate among couples, especially those who never grew up thinking it would be possible to marry, or never envisioned their own wedding. I've met many couples who are unsure whether they want a wedding, or where one partner is trying to convince the other on the subject. In the beginning, back in 2004, many couples I worked with were in their 40s and 50s and there was enormous pent up demand for marriage. In the past couple of years, many couples I work with are in their 20s and early 30s - which is around my age and the average age couples in general marry in Massachusetts.

So what do you do - have a marriage ceremony/elopement or have a wedding? Of course, weddings cost a lot of money with the national average somewhere around $22,000. But I have a lot of experience with weddings and there is nothing more moving to me, still, to this day, than seeing a gay or lesbian couple stand up in front of their friends and family, and get legally married. And the validation and support they receive from their guests is truly priceless. The key word is validation. Gay weddings are jubilant. There is a sense of triumph. And I feel like there is no greater party.

I understand the desire to elope or to keep it small. Many brides (or grooms) don't like being the center of attention or simply can't or don't want to spend the money or deal with the planning stress. And I'll never try to convince a couple otherwise. That validation from "community" isn't something everyone needs.

So how do you reach a resolution? What did you decide? Are you having a marriage or a wedding?

The Post-Elopement Party for Same-Sex Couples

I work with many couples who live in other states. Some come to Massachusetts or New York or anywhere else gay marriage is legal for a basic elopement which just includes getting their marriage license in one day and having the wedding ceremony performed for them. Some want to add on cake, professional photography and accommodations. And some will bring 50 of their nearest and dearest for a big wedding celebration (for which the Massachusetts economy thanks them).

I've done it all, and it's always a great time. But I've noticed that many couples I work with on the elopements choose to celebrate their marriage with a party back in their home state. It's a nice compromise since it is often hard to get all of your loved ones to your chosen destination.

I was with two ladies this morning from New Mexico who are marrying on July 4 and will have a party back home later this summer. They'll have the privacy and discretion of their own marriage and then celebrate with an event that is more of a party than a wedding - and that is exactly their style.

If you are planning to marry in a destination where gay marriage is legal, are you planning to then have a party or wedding reception for your friends and family once you return to your home state? Tell me about it in the comments!

Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties for Gay Weddings

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party. In my experience planning tons of gay weddings, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

I have two brides who are partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. My wife Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party? Are you partying together or separately?

Thoughts on Making it Legal and LGBT Rights

Yesterday, the Proposition 1 ballot initiative passed in North Carolina. I can honestly say that I was in tears. Our company has worked with dozens of couples from North Carolina over the years, including one of our 5/15/12 weddings and one of our 5/19/12 weddings. Two couples this month, from (yet another) state which treats them as second-class citizens.

The passage of this proposition forbids those kind, loving couples from equal marriage, civil unions, domestic partnerships and every other "family" construct. The way the amendment was written was truly horrifying.

I honestly try to focus this blog on the "how to..." elements of wedding planning, but the truth is that 14 Stories is an activist-type company. We care about the laws. We only plan legal weddings. We provide every couple we meet with a list of resources that can help them protect their families. The reality is, for LGBT couples, marriage is not enough.

14 Stories is paid to plan beautiful weddings, and I love that. But we have gone through the process of planning our own wedding, having some family support and some not, having to hire a lawyer for all this extra paperwork, the same stuff that every LGBT couple must face. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of what makes LGBT weddings different.

I love working with couples who give a damn, LGBT couples for whom this stuff is important, who don't take equal marriage rights for granted and who want to make some slight political statement with their marriage ceremony (and if you don't know how, we have ideas...)

Even if you live in a big city (like we do) with many LGBT friends (like we have), please don't take whatever rights you have for granted. We have to keep fighting because, in most of the world, our LGBT brothers and sisters have no rights. Even in states like California and Florida with "gay mecca" cities, LGBT couples have very limited rights.

Your marriage and wedding is important, of course, but please, above all, protect your family. Please contact us if you need resources in your area for financial planners, estate planning attorneys, insurance agents and other professionals who can help protect your family.

And please, along with us, keep up the good fight. It's not just about the wedding.

Seeking Lesbians in South Florida to Model for Us

We at 14 Stories are working on an exciting new project and need your help. Trust me, you will love what we have planned. If you live in South Florida, will you model for us?

1. petite: height 5'1" clothing size 2-4
2. height 5'5" clothing size 8-10
3. height 5'8" clothing size 12-14

We are also seeking women, genderqueer and FTM who bind their breasts. If you live in South Florida, please email us for more details and we'll share the specifics and the compensation.

Thank you in advance!

photo by Kat Hempel

Easy Wedding Websites

Many of my clients have many guests from other states at their wedding. I always recommend creating a wedding Web site as a central location for all of your wedding information, and I have some special tips to share to do this most effectively:

*Buy your personal domain (for example, www.bobandbill.com) through GoDaddy.com (my preferred site for domain registration).
Set up a free wedding Web site through a site like here on TheKnot.com or also WeddingWire.com or MyWedding.com

*Go to the “Manage My Domains” section on GoDaddy and set the personal domain to forward to the often-lengthy URL provided by WeddingWire, TheKnot or your other wedding website.

*Share your personal domain (e.g., www.bobandbill.com) on your save-the dates and other wedding materials.

*Use GoDaddy after the wedding when the professional photographs are ready, and change the forwarding destination of the personal domain to the link provided by your photographer.

*Tell your guests to go to your personal domain to view your professional wedding photos.

This process is quick and painless and there are countless templates to choose from!

Weddings in Private Homes

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer?
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn?
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains?
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise?
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens.
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator.
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed?

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

Photo by Closed Circle Photo

Creating a Wedding Registry for Your Same-Sex Wedding

Are you registering for gifts? It seems like the answer should obvious, but in fact, many same-sex couples do not. The top two reasons for not registering that I’ve observed are:

1. Many same-sex couples have already been together for years, accumulating a houseful of great stuff—and just don’t need to register.

2. Many LGBT couples would rather their guests support an important charity, such as those that fight for marriage equality everywhere, rather than give them gifts.

However, many more couples do register for gifts, assuming that inasmuch as most people are going to give them stuff anyway, it should be stuff they actually want, right? Be aware, however, that while most guests give a gift to the couple, they are not obligated to do so, and you should never expect one.

You should note that most stores are still very heterosexist when it comes to wedding registries. There’s a good chance you’ll see “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” on paperwork and on websites. There may be assumptions made about your relationship if you go to the store in person to register for items. The salesclerk might not be enthusiastic. The good news is that the most popular stores allow you to set up your registry online if you would prefer to do so.

So how do you appropriately create a registry?

As a couple, make a list of what you need to furnish and decorate your home. Plan out décor and colors. What is your style: contemporary, traditional, country, or something else?

• Register for more items than you actually need. Guests like choices and you’re not going to get everything on your list.

• Register for gifts across a spectrum of budgets, so your guests have options depending on what they can afford. (Don’t make assumptions about people’s generosity (or lack thereof). You’ll be surprised by who gives what!)

• Register at multiple stores to give your guests an option that is comfortable for them. For example, even if you register for lower-priced items at Saks, some guests won’t even bother to look there, so also include a more budget-friendly option like Target.

• Remember that it is never good etiquette to include registry information with your wedding invitations. However, this information may be included on shower invitations or you may link to the registries on your wedding website. And you can include the wedding website URL on a logistics card that is enclosed with your invitation suite.

• Provide the store with an address where gifts can be sent. Your guests will like having the option of not bringing the physical gifts to the wedding.

• Consider registering through a charity like the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) or Marriage Equality USA. Guests can make a donation in your name and feel good about their choice.
• If you do register for "stuff", check out Newlywish.com, a site with interesting, boutique products and experiences.

• Yes, you can register for a honeymoon if you wish. Some honeymoon registries double as travel agents so you can book your plans directly through them. Others, like Honeyfund, are merely vessels by which you receive checks from your guests. You can indicate where you are going and outline what you may do while you are there. Guests may, for example, treat you to a spa visit, a sailing expedition, dinner on the beach, or a guided tour through a rainforest. It’s a nice win-win. Your guests feel like they are contributing to your honeymoon and they are (and the money you receive that is earmarked for a particular activity may be used in any way you like.)

Are you planning to create a wedding registry?

Tipping Tips!

Before tipping anyone, check carefully to see what is included in the bill … limo companies, caterers, and venues providing valet and coat check services may already have a line item for gratuity!

• Caterers: Look for a gratuity line item for both the service staff and the bartender. If it’s not included, leave thirty-five to fifty dollars per server and for the catering manager, and 15 to 20 percent of the bar bill for the bartender(s).
• Limo: Leave 15 to 20 percent of the bill.
• Musicians: Tip each musician twenty five dollars or more.
• DJ: A DJ should receive 15 percent of his fee, if they do not own their own company.
• Hair & Makeup: Tip the stylists 15 to 20 percent of their fees.
• Valet: Tip the valets fifty cents to one dollar per car.
• Coat Check: Coat checkers should receive fifty cents to one dollar per coat

For exceptional service, you may, but need not tip (or give a gift to) your:

• Photographer/Videographer
• Floral Designer
• Planner
• Cake-maker

photo by Kevin Day

Gay Weddings in Washington State

Washington State became the seventh U.S. state (plus D.C.) to legalize gay marriage on Monday when Governor Gregoire signed the marriage equality bill into law. This is very exciting but you may want to hold off on your gay wedding plans for a little bit longer. Opponents of marriage equality still may try to stop it from going into effect on June 7 - so the matter is not yet settled - but this is a huge step forward. Congratulations!

(photo by Kat Hempel)

Gay Wedding Planning Workshops in the NYC Area

It's engagement season - and if you are planning your gay wedding in the New York City area and looking for some expert advice, you are in luck! I'm participating in a couple of panel discussions soon as well as leading a solo workshop. All of these are designed to empower you to plan yourself a great gay wedding!

Here are the details:

Thursday, February 9, 6:30pm (solo presentation)

• Sponsored by MENY - click here to register
• LGBT Center, Manhattan

Sunday, February 12, 11am (panel discussion)

• WilliamsBrides event (excuse the non-inclusive name - it will be an inclusive event)
• Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Saturday, March 17, time TBD (panel discussion)

• The Original LGBT Expo
• Javits Center, Manhattan

Please stop by and say hi at any of these events! I would love to chat with you there and answer any planning questions you may have!

Photo by Kat Hempel

Popular Gay Wedding Ceremony Reading

Gay wedding ceremonies continue to have political elements and the latest trend I've seen is the use of an excerpt of the ruling by Judge Vaughn Walker in the Prop 8 Trial. What you see below is an excerpt which can be taken in full or further shortened for the ceremony:

“Marriage is the state recognition and approval of a couple’s choice to live with each other, to remain committed to one another and to form a household based on their own feelings about one another and to join in an economic partnership and support one another and any dependents. ... The right to marry has been historically and remains the right to choose a spouse and, with mutual consent, join together and form a household. Race and gender restrictions shaped marriage during eras of race and gender inequality, but such restrictions were never part of the historical core of the institution of marriage. Today, gender is not relevant to the state in determining spouses’ obligations to each other and to their dependents. Relative gender composition aside, same-sex couples are situated identically to opposite-sex couples in terms of their ability to perform the rights and obligations of marriage... Gender no longer forms an essential part of marriage; marriage under law is a union of equals…
They seek the mutual obligation and honor that attend marriage… seek recognition from the state that their union is ‘a coming together for better or for worse, hopefully enduring, and intimate to the degree of being sacred.’”

Of course lots of couples are still using the Goodridge ruling as well. Are you planning to have any political elements in your marriage ceremony?

photo by Kat Hempel

Planning Your Wedding in 15 Steps!

Most people who find this website are engaged and planning a gay wedding – and most people really don’t know how to begin! Here’s the cheat sheet for you, a quick list of what to do, and in what order.

If you really want to keep things easy, download our free app,Gay Wedding Confidential or buy our bookof the same name! Both have all these tools in more detail.

1. Make your guest list and stick to it. Create guest list policies. Figure out if you are having attendants.

2. Figure out how much you can afford to spend and where the money is coming from. Then revisit the guest list and trim if necessary.

3. Have a conversation with your partner about the non-negotiables that each of you may have about your overall wedding vision. For someone it may be a beach ceremony. For the other it may be getting married by a rabbi like my brides in the photo above, who wanted both. And so forth. Know each of your non-negotiables.

4. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest for you! Of course…and this is why.

5. Find a gay-friendly wedding venue that meets your criteria for non-negotiables, guest count and budget.

6. Shop for your wedding outfits and for your wedding party, also, if applicable.

7. Block hotel rooms near your wedding for out of town guests.

8. Make a wedding website and send out save the date cards.

9. Hire all the gay-friendly wedding professionals who only do one wedding per day (photographer, officiant, band, DJ, etc)

10. Spend time thinking about colors, themes, design, layout, flow, personal details like favors, etc.

11. Hire the gay-friendly wedding professionals who do more than one wedding per day (florist, cake maker, caterer etc)

12. Send out invitations, collect responses and figure out where everyone is seated.

13. Create a very detailed wedding day schedule and send it to everyone you’ve hired to be involved with your wedding.

14. Have a rehearsal!

15. Get married!

Did you just get engaged over the holidays?

(photo by Kat Hempel)