Step 1 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step One: Be patient

Don’t get bent out of shape if your parents are less enthusiastic than you’d hoped. Give them time. Don’t get defensive and bitter. Remember that it may have taken you a while to get used to the idea (of being gay or of getting married), so be patient with their process. Your parents may feel like your wedding plans are a runaway train. They may feel like you got engaged out of the blue, are furiously planning and they’re left at the station wondering what the heck just happened. I recall my wife Jen being frustrated and angry with her parents for not being more excited about our wedding. I urged her to have patience. She had no choice. Jen’s parents are incredibly kind people and came around, of course. Yours may, too, but start slow with them...

Stay tuned for more tips!

Your Parents Support of Your Gay Wedding

Your parents may be thrilled for you when you announce that you’re marrying a person of the same gender, but keep in mind that some parents will freak out. I’ve seen my share of both situations and have talked with numerous couples for whom the parental reaction is a big stressor. One of my clients related:

My mom seemed to be really trying to prepare us for the possibility that my Dad wouldn’t be coming to the wedding. He didn’t talk about it and didn’t acknowledge it at all while we were there this weekend, and when she tries to make plans he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. My take on it is that we will have a beautiful, memorable wedding with or without him, and I’m going to put all my focus and energy into enjoying the rest of our planning and getting excited for the big day.

But this isn’t a chapter about coming out to your parents or dealing with their acceptance or rejection. Chances are you’ve already done that. I’m not here to talk about religion or politics. I’m here to talk about getting your parents excited for your gay wedding!

Some parents have a hard time with the idea of gay marriage, even if they support your relationship. To some, a gay marriage may not seem real because it may not be sanctioned in the state where they live. And if you’re like Jen and I, and some of our clients, the relationship may have been a whirlwind one and the engagement may have come fairly quickly.

Whatever the case, the question is, how do you get your parents excited about your gay wedding? In the coming posts, I'll take you through some helpful hints that really work with your parents!

Ring Bearer Bowls - New Wedding Tradition

For those of you who will have ring bearers, and even for those of you who will just have someone else (like an attendant), hold your rings, you should know that ring pillows are passe!

Palomas Nest invented the Ring Bearer Bowl, and it is rapidly becoming a new wedding tradition. I've worked with many same-sex couples who like the bowl because it's both modern and delicate at the same time and because it's reinventing tradition. My colleague Caroline who invented the bowls sent me one as a gift when I mentioned them in my book.

Now, my own ring bearer bowl says 14 after the name of my gay wedding planning company, but most people have ring bearer bowls with their name, their wedding date, a nice phrase like "to have and to hold", "forever yours" or something similar.

How will you be reinventing tradition at your gay wedding?

Survey of Same-Sex Couples

Part of my mission is to eliminate homo- and trans- phobia in the wedding industry -and to eliminate the assumption that there's only one bride or only one groom...

Part of what I do is train wedding vendors -but I need your help! Please take this survey! A randomly selected survey-taker will will a $100 iTunes gift card! This survey will be the largest survey ever conducted of engaged and married same-sex couples.

Please take this survey, share this survey with your friends, and hopefully win a $100 iTunes gift card.

Thanks so much for your help!

Photo by Closed Circle Photography

Gay and Lesbian Engagement Rings

In the wedding industry, we refer to this time as "engagement season" since many couples, straight and gay, get engaged between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. I know that many same-sex couples have questions about who proposes and who gets the ring...

Anyone can propose marriage, but in gay relationships, it's very common for the other partner to propose back, at a separate time. So each partner gets to experience the exhilaration of being proposed to!

In my experience, many gay men will only wear one ring, not two. In this case, often the engagement ring will double as a wedding band.

Younger lesbian brides (those under 40) are likelier to wear two rings. For example, my wife Jen, like many lesbians, wears her engagement ring and wedding band next to each other on the same finger. This is very common, and of course, traditional. My engagement ring doesn't have a stone (my choice) so my engagement ring is now on the ring finger of my right hand, and my wedding band is on the ring finger of my left hand.

I've noticed that gay and lesbian couples who are older and/or who've been together for a long time, already wear rings and in this case, usually substitute those rings with new wedding bands, forgoing an engagement ring altogether. These couples are also less likely to have had a traditional "pop the question" proposal experience, hence the lack of engagement rings.

What are you doing for your engagement rings? Who popped the question?

Toasting Your Guests

Did you know that at some point during a gay wedding reception, one or both newlywed partners toasts their guests? It happens so frequently that it's truly become a gay wedding tradition.

The reason many of my clients have wanted to do this is because they want to acknowledge the love and support they feel from their guests who have made the effort to be at the wedding. For many guests, going to a gay wedding is a big deal and unchartered territory. The couple usually understands and appreciates that.

Some tips for toasting your guests:

* The best time is as guests sit down for dinner, after your first dance, OR right after the cake cutting and before dancing starts

* Keep the toast brief, under 2 minutes

* Keep the toast positive and affirming, as an expression of gratitude

Are you planning to toast your guests during your wedding reception?

Photo by Julia Cumes

The Perfect Wedding Toast

Sorry I've been MIA - my wife just delivered our first baby on Halloween so needless to say, I've had my hands full!

I wanted to share some tips for giving the perfect toast at a gay wedding. If you are engaged, share these tips with whomever you will ask to toast for you. If you have been asked to offer a toast, this is a good start.

* First off, forget about roles and rules. Just because someone is in your wedding party or related to you does not mean they are qualified to give you a toast. Your best friend/attendant may not be a great public speaker. Don't torture him or her by asking for a toast.

* Instead ask people you know can be charming, witty and eloquent without talking too much.

* This is toast, not a roast, so it should be kept clean and PG-rated!

* The perfect toast should be less than 3 minutes long. Don't bore your guests.

* You should have no more than 4 toasts at your wedding.

* Toasts are best split up to be after the first course and after the second course (if a seated dinner), or after all the guests have returned with their dinner plates (if a buffet/food stations).

* Ideally, if you have four toasts, two should be offered to each partner, or one to each partner, and two to each of you.

If you follow these tips, the toasts will almost definitely be a success! Who are you asking to toast at your wedding?

photo by Kristin Korpos