Step 3 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step Three: Ask for Advice

Asking for advice (not financial help (yet), is the most critical step. Ask open-ended questions about etiquette issues, like who to invite. An example would be, “should we invite all of our second cousins to the wedding?” Or ask for advice about logistical matters: “we’re thinking of having an outdoor ceremony. What do you think of that?” You want to involve your parents without generating guilt.

In our case, Jen asked her mom for ideas on which of her parents’ friends to invite, and whether her grandma could make the trip. These types of questions might strike your parents personally, and may make them feel a little guilty for any lack of enthusiasm.

Photo by Michael Manning

Step 2 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

As your wedding plans progress, gradually start sharing your excitement about the wedding plans. Say things like, “we took a look around at venues today and it was really fun,” or “I’ve been looking through bridal magazines for dresses I might like.” This one works great: “I received the sweetest engagement card in the mail today from Aunt Mary! She sounds so excited for us!” My advice is to just say normal, typical, wedding-planning things, as if it’s any other conversation with your parents. Don’t make a big deal out of the plans at first but start to plant the seed that your wedding is for real and that you are taking action.

This is what I urged Jen to do with her mom. Slowly start releasing information about your ideas, just in the normal course of conversation. It piques curiosity.

Keep reading as I share the remaining steps to get your parents excited about your wedding plans.

Photo by Closed Circle Photo

Win a Free Wedding In Vermont (for Military Personnel)

Engaged same-sex couples with at least one partner in the military are eligible to win a free wedding in the State of Vermont with the Honor Our Heroes Program sponsored by Winc-Vermont.

The prize includes a full wedding and reception for 50 guests including food, drink and flowers; professional DJ and photography; and a three nights stay at the Calvin Coolidge Homestead.

You can check out the details over here on the Winc-Vermont website! I am so happy they opened this contest to same-sex couples now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed.

Good luck to any of you who enter!

photo by Closed Circle Photo

Step 1 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step One: Be patient

Don’t get bent out of shape if your parents are less enthusiastic than you’d hoped. Give them time. Don’t get defensive and bitter. Remember that it may have taken you a while to get used to the idea (of being gay or of getting married), so be patient with their process. Your parents may feel like your wedding plans are a runaway train. They may feel like you got engaged out of the blue, are furiously planning and they’re left at the station wondering what the heck just happened. I recall my wife Jen being frustrated and angry with her parents for not being more excited about our wedding. I urged her to have patience. She had no choice. Jen’s parents are incredibly kind people and came around, of course. Yours may, too, but start slow with them...

Stay tuned for more tips!

Your Parents Support of Your Gay Wedding

Your parents may be thrilled for you when you announce that you’re marrying a person of the same gender, but keep in mind that some parents will freak out. I’ve seen my share of both situations and have talked with numerous couples for whom the parental reaction is a big stressor. One of my clients related:

My mom seemed to be really trying to prepare us for the possibility that my Dad wouldn’t be coming to the wedding. He didn’t talk about it and didn’t acknowledge it at all while we were there this weekend, and when she tries to make plans he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. My take on it is that we will have a beautiful, memorable wedding with or without him, and I’m going to put all my focus and energy into enjoying the rest of our planning and getting excited for the big day.

But this isn’t a chapter about coming out to your parents or dealing with their acceptance or rejection. Chances are you’ve already done that. I’m not here to talk about religion or politics. I’m here to talk about getting your parents excited for your gay wedding!

Some parents have a hard time with the idea of gay marriage, even if they support your relationship. To some, a gay marriage may not seem real because it may not be sanctioned in the state where they live. And if you’re like Jen and I, and some of our clients, the relationship may have been a whirlwind one and the engagement may have come fairly quickly.

Whatever the case, the question is, how do you get your parents excited about your gay wedding? In the coming posts, I'll take you through some helpful hints that really work with your parents!

Ring Bearer Bowls - New Wedding Tradition

For those of you who will have ring bearers, and even for those of you who will just have someone else (like an attendant), hold your rings, you should know that ring pillows are passe!

Palomas Nest invented the Ring Bearer Bowl, and it is rapidly becoming a new wedding tradition. I've worked with many same-sex couples who like the bowl because it's both modern and delicate at the same time and because it's reinventing tradition. My colleague Caroline who invented the bowls sent me one as a gift when I mentioned them in my book.

Now, my own ring bearer bowl says 14 after the name of my gay wedding planning company, but most people have ring bearer bowls with their name, their wedding date, a nice phrase like "to have and to hold", "forever yours" or something similar.

How will you be reinventing tradition at your gay wedding?

Survey of Same-Sex Couples

Part of my mission is to eliminate homo- and trans- phobia in the wedding industry -and to eliminate the assumption that there's only one bride or only one groom...

Part of what I do is train wedding vendors -but I need your help! Please take this survey! A randomly selected survey-taker will will a $100 iTunes gift card! This survey will be the largest survey ever conducted of engaged and married same-sex couples.

Please take this survey, share this survey with your friends, and hopefully win a $100 iTunes gift card.

Thanks so much for your help!

Photo by Closed Circle Photography