Planning Your Wedding in 15 Steps!

Most people who find this website are engaged and planning a gay wedding – and most people really don’t know how to begin! Here’s the cheat sheet for you, a quick list of what to do, and in what order.

If you really want to keep things easy, download our free app,Gay Wedding Confidential or buy our bookof the same name! Both have all these tools in more detail.

1. Make your guest list and stick to it. Create guest list policies. Figure out if you are having attendants.

2. Figure out how much you can afford to spend and where the money is coming from. Then revisit the guest list and trim if necessary.

3. Have a conversation with your partner about the non-negotiables that each of you may have about your overall wedding vision. For someone it may be a beach ceremony. For the other it may be getting married by a rabbi like my brides in the photo above, who wanted both. And so forth. Know each of your non-negotiables.

4. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest for you! Of course…and this is why.

5. Find a gay-friendly wedding venue that meets your criteria for non-negotiables, guest count and budget.

6. Shop for your wedding outfits and for your wedding party, also, if applicable.

7. Block hotel rooms near your wedding for out of town guests.

8. Make a wedding website and send out save the date cards.

9. Hire all the gay-friendly wedding professionals who only do one wedding per day (photographer, officiant, band, DJ, etc)

10. Spend time thinking about colors, themes, design, layout, flow, personal details like favors, etc.

11. Hire the gay-friendly wedding professionals who do more than one wedding per day (florist, cake maker, caterer etc)

12. Send out invitations, collect responses and figure out where everyone is seated.

13. Create a very detailed wedding day schedule and send it to everyone you’ve hired to be involved with your wedding.

14. Have a rehearsal!

15. Get married!

Did you just get engaged over the holidays?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

Weddings Officiated by Celebrants

As my regular readers know, my favorite part of a wedding is the ceremony because of its power and potential to change the world.

Whenever possible, I encourage LGBT couples to use a Celebrant to officiate their gay wedding ceremony. Not everyone who is a non-denominational minister is a Celebrant. Those who are officially Celebrants have taken intensive coursework on world cultures and traditions and been taught how to use stories to create custom ceremonies. The curriculum is rigorous!

Celebrants are ideal for couples who may be interfaith or non-religious but whom want a meaningful and powerful wedding ceremony that is more in-depth than what a judge or Justice of the Peace may provide.

Our own wedding (July 3, 2009) was officiated by Celebrant Cindy Matchett of Meaningful Weddings. Our wedding guests LOVED our ceremony which told the story of our relationship, shared some of our favorite things about each other and incorporated our cultures. Last year she officiated our son’s non-religious baby blessing. We absolutely adore Cindy and she feels like one of our family.

I’m honored to have been asked to give the keynote speech on April 28 at the Celebrant Institute’s Collective Wisdom Conference. This conference is part of the graduation of the current class of Celebrants and I’m excited to share with them my perspective on the power of same-sex weddings.

If you are looking for a Celebrant, you can find one in your area by visiting www.CelebrantInstitute.org

If you need other help with your plans, please visit us at www.14Stories.com, follow us on twitter or like us on Facebook.

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Who to Invite to Your Gay Wedding?

If you are newly engaged and planning a New York gay wedding, Boston gay wedding, Provincetown gay wedding, or anywhere else, you first have to start by creating a guest list.

Here are some important Dos and Don'ts when creating your guest list:

Do first think about your budget. Feeding and providing alcohol to all those people adds up, so first think about how many people you can afford to invite.

Do only invite people you actually want there. Skip the people who you feel like you have to invite out of obligation - and you can even skip "plus ones" if you don't actually know who the guest would be.

Do set policies and stick with them. Be consistent in the "rules" you set. For example, are kids invited? Are co-workers invited? Are exes invited?

Don't let your parents/family be pushy about the guest list...even if they are helping to pay. This means that if your parents are involved in the wedding and want to invite their co-workers, neighbors and friends (which is pretty unusual, by the way), stand your ground!

Don't invite people who don't support gay marriage. This means that if your Great Aunt Ellen signs anti-gay marriage petitions, then she shouldn't make the cut - unless you think she's flexible or could be convinced.

Who's making the cut on your wedding guest list?

(photo by www.gfergphoto.com)

Gay Weddings in Restaurants

Gay weddings at restaurants can be some of the easiest weddings to plan if you are doing it yourself.

There are some serious advantages to choosing the private dining room of a great restaurant:

• There is usually no room rental fee.
• There is often a great chef with delicious, locally grown and seasonal food.
• Restaurants come in all shapes and sizes and styles - they're not generally a "blank canvas" so if you like their decor, you can save money on wedding design.
• The bar tab is on consumption so the party can theoretically go all night (or til the restaurant closes) so the wedding doesn't have to feel rushed.

And the disadvantages:

• There is often no good place to have the ceremony onsite.
• Many private dining room coordinators aren't experienced with weddings so there may be a learning curve.
• There is often no dedicated outside area if you require one.
• Many private dining rooms don't have windows.
• Most private dining rooms have a maximum capacity of around 50-60 guests so you may be limited in choices unless you would consider a full restaurant buyout (in which the restaurant closes for your party).

Some couples looking for a wedding bigger than what will fit in a private dining room still choose a restaurant. To do so, they have to buy it out. This means that the restaurant will be closed to the public for the private party and the couple would pay the restaurant a minimum amount (typically starts at $10,000) for the right to use the entire restaurant for the night.

That said, I've had many gay weddings at restaurants and they are lovely. Are you considering hosting your gay wedding in a restaurant?

Sexy Signature Cocktails

Creating a signature cocktail party for your wedding has a variety of purposes. First off, it can be a money saver if you offer your guests only a signature cocktail, beer and wine. Secondly, it's another way to be thematic and personalize your wedding!

Our own wedding's signature cocktail was a big hit. During our wedding planning, we invited a few friends over to help us choose the perfect cocktail to serve our guests. We ended up making and serving a bunch of god-awful tasting drinks, including some with curacao and coconut rum! Never again! But it was a great excuse for a mini party...

We settled on the Wild Irish Rose, and tried several iterations of our own creation...try it out for yourself - you'll never taste the Jameson's.

In a cocktail shaker, combine the following over ice:
2oz Jameson's
1/2 oz grenadine
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice

Shake and serve straight up in a chilled martini glass with a sugared rim. Delicious and pretty in pink - though that's the only pink you'll see at our wedding.

So, what's your signature cocktail? I'm always looking to try new cocktail recipes, especially on chilly fall nights!

(photo by Infinity Portrait Design)

Planning a Wedding in a Private Home

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer?
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn?
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains?
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise?
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens.
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator.
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed?

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

(photo by Closed Circle Photo)

Cocktail Reception Type Weddings

Cocktail party style weddings are very trendy right now, particularly with couples who want to do something nontraditional. While sit down dinners are great, they are not for everyone. This style of wedding can work extremely well - or it can be a disaster. Keep these tips on mind to avoid the pitfalls of such a wedding.

1. Feed your guests - a lot. Just because it's a cocktail party style event doesn't mean you can skimp on food. Whether you have passed hors d'oeuvres all night or some good stations mixed in, keep the food flowing. Your food budget will probably not be less than a typical sit down dinner, so get that idea out of your head! Your guests may be drinking more of the hard stuff since there's no tableside wine service with dinner so you have to keep them well fed. The last thing you want is guests bad-mouthing you because they had to go out for pizza on the way home from the wedding.

2. Provide enough seating. I suggest at least seats for at least 50% of your guests. These seats can be lounge seats, small cocktail tables, bar seating, picnic benches or whatever floats your boat - but at some point each guest will want to sit so don't leave them hunting for a chair. If you have many guests over the age of 60, then provide even more seating.

3. Provide adequate flow. Just because it's a cocktail party doesn't mean there shouldn't be a first dance, toasts, a cake cutting or other forms of entertainment. You may have some wallflowers in your group who need conversation starters and those elements do just that. Don't let anyone get bored or the party will end early. I promise.

4. Be aware of time. Most wedding venues rent for a 5 hour reception. Your guests will start to lose steam at the 3-4 hour mark unless there is dancing - but many cocktail party style weddings don't have dancing. Don't tell the guests this, but plan for a 4 hour reception and make a game day decision to keep the party going if guests are still having a blast. Tell your vendors that this could be a last minute decision and assign your wedding planner or friend to make the call so you don't have to worry about a thing.

5. Communicate with your guests. Let them know it's a cocktail party rather than a sit down dinner by using the term 'cocktail reception' on your wedding invitation. This sends a signal that they may get less food and that they may want to wear more sensible shoes because of all the standing around. Help everybody by managing their expectations.

Are you planning to host a cocktail reception instead a formal dinner?