Step 5 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step five (if applicable): Ask for financial support. Now that your parents are excited and engaged and sharing their suggestions and input, if you are hoping for their financial contribution, this is the time to ask. Once they understand that this is something that that is really happening, here is your chance to ask for financial help (if you are hoping for it). Obviously only do this if your parents have some reasonable capacity to contribute. Use your best judgment. But if you do so, start by complaining about money, “I didn’t know how much a wedding was going to cost.”

And here’s the best one, “I don’t think we can invite the cousins, your friends from work and John and Jane, your next-door neighbors because we just can’t afford it.”

If your parents bite and are willing to contribute, I’d advise asking for a specific dollar amount rather than for coverage of certain expenses. The reason is that if you ask them to pay for the band and the photographer, your parents might feel like they get to pick out those vendors. And you don’t want to relinquish that control to your parents. This is your vision.

Jen said priceless gems such as, “Even though Bernadette’s a wedding planner, it’s still crazy how much things cost when it’s your own wedding!”

Step 4 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

This is part four in my series about getting your parents excited about your gay wedding....

OK, you've been patient, you've expressed your own natural enthusiasm, and you've asked them fairly generic and random questions.

Step four: Invite your parents' participation with more emotional details. They may feel like your wedding plans are a runaway train. They may feel like you got engaged out of the blue, are furiously planning a big gay wedding (and they don't know what a gay wedding looks or feels like) and they’re left at the station wondering what the heck just happened.

I believe that excitement is contagious. If you are excited about your wedding, eventually your parents will be. Now is the time to recruit them to be actively involved – and if you are a bride who wants to wear a dress, there is no greater opportunity than dress shopping with your mother. If you are not wearing a dress or are a gay groom, ask for their help on choosing someone to do a reading during the wedding ceremony or ask your mom about her favorite flower or cake flavor. Invite their input and get excited over their responses.

This is the step where Jen’s parents boarded the Coveney-Smith wedding train. Jen’s mom came to town and they went dress shopping. Jen started talking about the bridal shower. During her visit, Jen's mom visited the place where we were to marry and loved it. And when she went back home, she was filled with excitement and then Jen’s dad got excited - because it's contagious.

Photo by Cheryl Levine

Step 3 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step Three: Ask for Advice

Asking for advice (not financial help (yet), is the most critical step. Ask open-ended questions about etiquette issues, like who to invite. An example would be, “should we invite all of our second cousins to the wedding?” Or ask for advice about logistical matters: “we’re thinking of having an outdoor ceremony. What do you think of that?” You want to involve your parents without generating guilt.

In our case, Jen asked her mom for ideas on which of her parents’ friends to invite, and whether her grandma could make the trip. These types of questions might strike your parents personally, and may make them feel a little guilty for any lack of enthusiasm.

Photo by Michael Manning

Step 2 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

As your wedding plans progress, gradually start sharing your excitement about the wedding plans. Say things like, “we took a look around at venues today and it was really fun,” or “I’ve been looking through bridal magazines for dresses I might like.” This one works great: “I received the sweetest engagement card in the mail today from Aunt Mary! She sounds so excited for us!” My advice is to just say normal, typical, wedding-planning things, as if it’s any other conversation with your parents. Don’t make a big deal out of the plans at first but start to plant the seed that your wedding is for real and that you are taking action.

This is what I urged Jen to do with her mom. Slowly start releasing information about your ideas, just in the normal course of conversation. It piques curiosity.

Keep reading as I share the remaining steps to get your parents excited about your wedding plans.

Photo by Closed Circle Photo

Win a Free Wedding In Vermont (for Military Personnel)

Engaged same-sex couples with at least one partner in the military are eligible to win a free wedding in the State of Vermont with the Honor Our Heroes Program sponsored by Winc-Vermont.

The prize includes a full wedding and reception for 50 guests including food, drink and flowers; professional DJ and photography; and a three nights stay at the Calvin Coolidge Homestead.

You can check out the details over here on the Winc-Vermont website! I am so happy they opened this contest to same-sex couples now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed.

Good luck to any of you who enter!

photo by Closed Circle Photo

Step 1 for Involving Your Parents in Your LGBT Wedding

Step One: Be patient

Don’t get bent out of shape if your parents are less enthusiastic than you’d hoped. Give them time. Don’t get defensive and bitter. Remember that it may have taken you a while to get used to the idea (of being gay or of getting married), so be patient with their process. Your parents may feel like your wedding plans are a runaway train. They may feel like you got engaged out of the blue, are furiously planning and they’re left at the station wondering what the heck just happened. I recall my wife Jen being frustrated and angry with her parents for not being more excited about our wedding. I urged her to have patience. She had no choice. Jen’s parents are incredibly kind people and came around, of course. Yours may, too, but start slow with them...

Stay tuned for more tips!

Your Parents Support of Your Gay Wedding

Your parents may be thrilled for you when you announce that you’re marrying a person of the same gender, but keep in mind that some parents will freak out. I’ve seen my share of both situations and have talked with numerous couples for whom the parental reaction is a big stressor. One of my clients related:

My mom seemed to be really trying to prepare us for the possibility that my Dad wouldn’t be coming to the wedding. He didn’t talk about it and didn’t acknowledge it at all while we were there this weekend, and when she tries to make plans he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. My take on it is that we will have a beautiful, memorable wedding with or without him, and I’m going to put all my focus and energy into enjoying the rest of our planning and getting excited for the big day.

But this isn’t a chapter about coming out to your parents or dealing with their acceptance or rejection. Chances are you’ve already done that. I’m not here to talk about religion or politics. I’m here to talk about getting your parents excited for your gay wedding!

Some parents have a hard time with the idea of gay marriage, even if they support your relationship. To some, a gay marriage may not seem real because it may not be sanctioned in the state where they live. And if you’re like Jen and I, and some of our clients, the relationship may have been a whirlwind one and the engagement may have come fairly quickly.

Whatever the case, the question is, how do you get your parents excited about your gay wedding? In the coming posts, I'll take you through some helpful hints that really work with your parents!