The Post-Elopement Party for Same-Sex Couples

I work with many couples who live in other states. Some come to Massachusetts or New York or anywhere else gay marriage is legal for a basic elopement which just includes getting their marriage license in one day and having the wedding ceremony performed for them. Some want to add on cake, professional photography and accommodations. And some will bring 50 of their nearest and dearest for a big wedding celebration (for which the Massachusetts economy thanks them).

I've done it all, and it's always a great time. But I've noticed that many couples I work with on the elopements choose to celebrate their marriage with a party back in their home state. It's a nice compromise since it is often hard to get all of your loved ones to your chosen destination.

I was with two ladies this morning from New Mexico who are marrying on July 4 and will have a party back home later this summer. They'll have the privacy and discretion of their own marriage and then celebrate with an event that is more of a party than a wedding - and that is exactly their style.

If you are planning to marry in a destination where gay marriage is legal, are you planning to then have a party or wedding reception for your friends and family once you return to your home state? Tell me about it in the comments!

Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties for Gay Weddings

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party. In my experience planning tons of gay weddings, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

I have two brides who are partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. My wife Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party? Are you partying together or separately?

Thoughts on Making it Legal and LGBT Rights

Yesterday, the Proposition 1 ballot initiative passed in North Carolina. I can honestly say that I was in tears. Our company has worked with dozens of couples from North Carolina over the years, including one of our 5/15/12 weddings and one of our 5/19/12 weddings. Two couples this month, from (yet another) state which treats them as second-class citizens.

The passage of this proposition forbids those kind, loving couples from equal marriage, civil unions, domestic partnerships and every other "family" construct. The way the amendment was written was truly horrifying.

I honestly try to focus this blog on the "how to..." elements of wedding planning, but the truth is that 14 Stories is an activist-type company. We care about the laws. We only plan legal weddings. We provide every couple we meet with a list of resources that can help them protect their families. The reality is, for LGBT couples, marriage is not enough.

14 Stories is paid to plan beautiful weddings, and I love that. But we have gone through the process of planning our own wedding, having some family support and some not, having to hire a lawyer for all this extra paperwork, the same stuff that every LGBT couple must face. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of what makes LGBT weddings different.

I love working with couples who give a damn, LGBT couples for whom this stuff is important, who don't take equal marriage rights for granted and who want to make some slight political statement with their marriage ceremony (and if you don't know how, we have ideas...)

Even if you live in a big city (like we do) with many LGBT friends (like we have), please don't take whatever rights you have for granted. We have to keep fighting because, in most of the world, our LGBT brothers and sisters have no rights. Even in states like California and Florida with "gay mecca" cities, LGBT couples have very limited rights.

Your marriage and wedding is important, of course, but please, above all, protect your family. Please contact us if you need resources in your area for financial planners, estate planning attorneys, insurance agents and other professionals who can help protect your family.

And please, along with us, keep up the good fight. It's not just about the wedding.

Seeking Lesbians in South Florida to Model for Us

We at 14 Stories are working on an exciting new project and need your help. Trust me, you will love what we have planned. If you live in South Florida, will you model for us?

1. petite: height 5'1" clothing size 2-4
2. height 5'5" clothing size 8-10
3. height 5'8" clothing size 12-14

We are also seeking women, genderqueer and FTM who bind their breasts. If you live in South Florida, please email us for more details and we'll share the specifics and the compensation.

Thank you in advance!

photo by Kat Hempel

Easy Wedding Websites

Many of my clients have many guests from other states at their wedding. I always recommend creating a wedding Web site as a central location for all of your wedding information, and I have some special tips to share to do this most effectively:

*Buy your personal domain (for example, www.bobandbill.com) through GoDaddy.com (my preferred site for domain registration).
Set up a free wedding Web site through a site like here on TheKnot.com or also WeddingWire.com or MyWedding.com

*Go to the “Manage My Domains” section on GoDaddy and set the personal domain to forward to the often-lengthy URL provided by WeddingWire, TheKnot or your other wedding website.

*Share your personal domain (e.g., www.bobandbill.com) on your save-the dates and other wedding materials.

*Use GoDaddy after the wedding when the professional photographs are ready, and change the forwarding destination of the personal domain to the link provided by your photographer.

*Tell your guests to go to your personal domain to view your professional wedding photos.

This process is quick and painless and there are countless templates to choose from!

Weddings in Private Homes

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer?
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn?
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains?
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise?
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens.
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator.
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed?

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

Photo by Closed Circle Photo

Creating a Wedding Registry for Your Same-Sex Wedding

Are you registering for gifts? It seems like the answer should obvious, but in fact, many same-sex couples do not. The top two reasons for not registering that I’ve observed are:

1. Many same-sex couples have already been together for years, accumulating a houseful of great stuff—and just don’t need to register.

2. Many LGBT couples would rather their guests support an important charity, such as those that fight for marriage equality everywhere, rather than give them gifts.

However, many more couples do register for gifts, assuming that inasmuch as most people are going to give them stuff anyway, it should be stuff they actually want, right? Be aware, however, that while most guests give a gift to the couple, they are not obligated to do so, and you should never expect one.

You should note that most stores are still very heterosexist when it comes to wedding registries. There’s a good chance you’ll see “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” on paperwork and on websites. There may be assumptions made about your relationship if you go to the store in person to register for items. The salesclerk might not be enthusiastic. The good news is that the most popular stores allow you to set up your registry online if you would prefer to do so.

So how do you appropriately create a registry?

As a couple, make a list of what you need to furnish and decorate your home. Plan out décor and colors. What is your style: contemporary, traditional, country, or something else?

• Register for more items than you actually need. Guests like choices and you’re not going to get everything on your list.

• Register for gifts across a spectrum of budgets, so your guests have options depending on what they can afford. (Don’t make assumptions about people’s generosity (or lack thereof). You’ll be surprised by who gives what!)

• Register at multiple stores to give your guests an option that is comfortable for them. For example, even if you register for lower-priced items at Saks, some guests won’t even bother to look there, so also include a more budget-friendly option like Target.

• Remember that it is never good etiquette to include registry information with your wedding invitations. However, this information may be included on shower invitations or you may link to the registries on your wedding website. And you can include the wedding website URL on a logistics card that is enclosed with your invitation suite.

• Provide the store with an address where gifts can be sent. Your guests will like having the option of not bringing the physical gifts to the wedding.

• Consider registering through a charity like the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) or Marriage Equality USA. Guests can make a donation in your name and feel good about their choice.
• If you do register for "stuff", check out Newlywish.com, a site with interesting, boutique products and experiences.

• Yes, you can register for a honeymoon if you wish. Some honeymoon registries double as travel agents so you can book your plans directly through them. Others, like Honeyfund, are merely vessels by which you receive checks from your guests. You can indicate where you are going and outline what you may do while you are there. Guests may, for example, treat you to a spa visit, a sailing expedition, dinner on the beach, or a guided tour through a rainforest. It’s a nice win-win. Your guests feel like they are contributing to your honeymoon and they are (and the money you receive that is earmarked for a particular activity may be used in any way you like.)

Are you planning to create a wedding registry?