The Wedding Weekend

Gay marriage isn’t legal in many places, so many of my clients

live in other states and when I’m planning their wedding, I plan a

whole weekend’s worth of activities. These activities might include a welcome reception the night the guests arrive, a tourist activity the day of the wedding, the wedding itself, and a brunch the following day. Even when the couple doesn’t live in another state, guests often travel in from all over for the wedding.

For many people, a wedding is the first time that an entire

family has been together in years and the event serves as a family reunion. Some will say that a wedding is the only time that all of the people you love will be in the same place

at the same time. That’s part of the point, isn’t it? To declare your love and commitment in front of all of your favorite witnesses?

If you have everyone all in one place, might as well make a

weekend out of it, right?

Are you planning to have events all weekend for your guests to attend and enjoy?

Creating a Registry for Your Same-Sex Wedding

Are you registering for gifts? It seems like the answer should obvious, but in fact, many same-sex couples do not. The top two reasons for not registering that I’ve observed are:

1. Many same-sex couples have already been together for years, accumulating a houseful of great stuff—and just don’t need to register.

2. Many LGBT couples would rather their guests support an important charity, such as those that fight for marriage equality everywhere, rather than give them gifts.

However, many more couples do register for gifts, assuming that inasmuch as most people are going to give them stuff anyway, it should be stuff they actually want, right? Be aware, however, that while most guests give a gift to the couple, they are not obligated to do so, and you should never expect one.

You should note that most stores are still very heterosexist when it comes to wedding registries. There’s a good chance you’ll see “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” on paperwork and on websites. There may be assumptions made about your relationship if you go to the store in person to register for items. The salesclerk might not be enthusiastic. The good news is that the most popular stores allow you to set up your registry online if you would prefer to do so.

So how do you appropriately create a registry?

As a couple, make a list of what you need to furnish and decorate your home. Plan out décor and colors. What is your style: contemporary, traditional, country, or something else?

• Register for more items than you actually need. Guests like choices and you’re not going to get everything on your list.

• Register for gifts across a spectrum of budgets, so your guests have options depending on what they can afford. (Don’t make assumptions about people’s generosity (or lack thereof). You’ll be surprised by who gives what!)

• Register at multiple stores to give your guests an option that is comfortable for them. For example, even if you register for lower-priced items at Saks, some guests won’t even bother to look there, so also include a more budget-friendly option like Target.

• Remember that it is never good etiquette to include registry information with your wedding invitations. However, this information may be included on shower invitations or you may link to the registries on your wedding website. And you can include the wedding website URL on a logistics card that is enclosed with your invitation suite.

• Provide the store with an address where gifts can be sent. Your guests will like having the option of not bringing the physical gifts to the wedding.

• Consider registering through a charity like the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). Guests can make a donation in your name and feel good about their choice.

• Yes, you can register for a honeymoon if you wish. Some honeymoon registries double as travel agents so you can book your plans directly through them. Others, like Honeyfund, are merely vessels by which you receive checks from your guests. You can indicate where you are going and outline what you may do while you are there. Guests may, for example, treat you to a spa visit, a sailing expedition, dinner on the beach, or a guided tour through a rainforest. It’s a nice win-win. Your guests feel like they are contributing to your honeymoon and they are (and the money you receive that is earmarked for a particular activity may be used in any way you like.)

Are you planning to create a wedding registry?

Using an iPod for Wedding Music

An increasing number of couples are making playlists on their iPOD and using that as their wedding soundtrack. Using an iPOD can be successful and it can fail miserably. If done properly, this can be a major savings for a couple, though it may not be worth the hassle of setting it up right. Here are my tips:

Ensure that the venue has a sound system you can plug the iPOD into. If there’s no sound system, be prepared to rent one.

Does the sound system carry into the space used for the cocktail hour? If not, is there a secondary sound system?

Who will be your emcee? Be sure to assign someone the job of making announcements throughout the evening so the flow is well directed. If you are having more than fifty guests, be prepared to rent a microphone and amplifier for the ceremony officiant, readers, and emcee. You will definitely need one.

As you put together your playlist, change the setting that creates a gap between songs. Make sure there’s no gap between songs, not even a brief gap. Believe me when I tell you that even a five-second gap can kill the momentum on the dance floor.

Create multiple playlists for the sake of the person who will be in charge of pressing “play.” I was once handed an iPOD right before the wedding with three playlists that said “wedding.” I wasn’t sure which playlist to use and had to bother the brides to ask. Make one playlist called “cocktail hour” another called “first dance” (with just one song in the playlist), another called “cake cutting” (with just one song in the playlist) and so forth, so that the keeper of the iPOD will be crystal clear on how to use it effectively.

Are you planning to use an iPOD to play your wedding music?

photo by Cheryl Levine

Choosing a Wedding Venue

What kind of wedding do you want to have?

Most of us have been to many straight weddings before the laws began to change and allowed us to have our own gay weddings. So now that you can have your own gay or lesbian wedding, what kind of wedding do you want?

I was raised as a Catholic, and all of the weddings I’d been to prior to 2004 featured a ceremony and Mass in a Catholic Church (usually in the New York metropolitan area).

What kind of wedding do you want? There are lots of choices. When I meet with clients, once I’ve established their projected guest-count and budget, I usually start thinking about their wedding by breaking it down like a game. As a couple answers the questions, my mind narrows down the options as if the event was a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Once the questions are answered, I always have a short list of venues in my head. To start creating the type of wedding you want, here are some questions that you and your partner should be asking yourselves:

1. Do you want a Saturday night dance party-type of event or a Sunday, elegant brunch type of event? A daytime or a nighttime wedding?

2. Do you want to have the ceremony in the same location as the reception?

3. Do you want to have access to an outdoor area?

4. Do you have a lot of friends and family traveling from out of state?

5. Do you have a lot of big partiers/drinkers on your guest list?

6. Is your style:

a) urban/contemporary,

b) industrial/loft-like,

c) country/rustic,

d) historic/classically elegant,

e) casual/beachy?

7. Do you require a view of some sort?

Once you answer these questions, the venue options get narrower and narrower...where did you choose to have your wedding?

photo by Kristin Korpos

Engagement Rings and Wedding Bands for Gay Couples

I had a great question from a bride the other day I wanted to answer here: Do gay couples wear wedding bands along with the engagement ring? For example, When two men marry will one of them wear an additional band to compliment the engagement ring?

In my observation, many men will only wear one ring, not two. In this case, often the engagement ring will double as a wedding band.

Younger lesbian brides (those under 40) are likelier to wear two rings. For example, my wife Jen, like many lesbians, wears her engagement ring and wedding band next to each other on the same finger. This is very common, and of course, traditional. My engagement ring doesn't have a stone (my choice) so my engagement ring is now on the ring finger of my right hand, and my wedding band is on the ring finger of my left hand.

I've noticed that gay and lesbian couples who are older and/or who've been together for a long time, already wear rings and in this case, usually substitute those rings with new wedding bands, forgoing an engagement ring altogether. These couples are also less likely to have had a traditional "pop the question" proposal experience, hence the lack of engagement rings.

What did you decide to do?

photo by Gretje Ferguson

A Popular Gay Wedding Ceremony Reading

The most popular reading during gay wedding ceremonies has tremendous meaning. It's historical. It's beautifully written. It speaks volumes about the significance of a marriage. And it was written by a lawyer...

Well, a judge actually. The most popular reading during gay wedding ceremonies is part of the ruling which legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts (the first state to have legal gay marriage). It was written by Judge Margaret Marshall from the State Supreme Judicial Court. While this is by no means the whole ruling, the passage below is the long version and is often excerpted into smaller chunks:

"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance." ...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition."

I hope you consider including a piece of history in your wedding ceremony.

Have you written your wedding ceremony yet or are you using a script provided by your officiant?

photo by Gretje Ferguson

Creating a Guest List for Your Gay Wedding

When working with my engaged same-sex couple clients, I encourage my clients to answer the questions below and make a policy decision on each, rather than making case-by-case exceptions for individual potential guests. If you are consistent in your guest list policies, you minimize the risk of offending people...

• Are ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends invited? I know the lesbians tend to love to keep in touch with their exes!
• Do you invite friends you haven’t talked to in three or more years if the friendship has grown apart?
• Do you have to invite everyone whose wedding you attended, even if it was many years ago and the friendship hasn’t survived?
• Do your work colleagues get invited?
• What about friends from high school and college that you‘ve reconnected with via Facebook or another social networking site?
• Do you invite children? Do you let babies come?
• Do you ask your single friends to bring a guest? (a plus-one in Sex and the City speak). What if they are in a serious relationship but not living together? What if they are in a serious relationship and living together? What if they seem to have no hope of being in a serious relationship any time soon?
• Are friends and neighbors of your parents invited? Your parents may want to honor some of their dearest friends with an invitation—but then again, some parents don’t want to draw attention to their child’s gay wedding.
• Are your parents’ work colleagues invited?

So, who are you inviting to your gay wedding? Please tell me in the comments below how you answer these questions! And feel free to send me your own questions to answer in this column by emailing ask@14stories.com

photo by Jackie Ricciardi