Weddings Officiated by Celebrants

As my regular readers know, my favorite part of a wedding is the ceremony because of its power and potential to change the world.

Whenever possible, I encourage LGBT couples to use a Celebrant to officiate their gay wedding ceremony. Not everyone who is a non-denominational minister is a Celebrant. Those who are officially Celebrants have taken intensive coursework on world cultures and traditions and been taught how to use stories to create custom ceremonies. The curriculum is rigorous!

Celebrants are ideal for couples who may be interfaith or non-religious but whom want a meaningful and powerful wedding ceremony that is more in-depth than what a judge or Justice of the Peace may provide.

Our own wedding (July 3, 2009) was officiated by Celebrant Cindy Matchett of Meaningful Weddings. Our wedding guests LOVED our ceremony which told the story of our relationship, shared some of our favorite things about each other and incorporated our cultures. Last year she officiated our son’s non-religious baby blessing. We absolutely adore Cindy and she feels like one of our family.

I’m honored to have been asked to give the keynote speech on April 28 at the Celebrant Institute’s Collective Wisdom Conference. This conference is part of the graduation of the current class of Celebrants and I’m excited to share with them my perspective on the power of same-sex weddings.

If you are looking for a Celebrant, you can find one in your area by visiting www.CelebrantInstitute.org

If you need other help with your plans, please visit us at www.14Stories.com, follow us on twitter or like us on Facebook.

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Who to Invite to Your Gay Wedding?

If you are newly engaged and planning a New York gay wedding, Boston gay wedding, Provincetown gay wedding, or anywhere else, you first have to start by creating a guest list.

Here are some important Dos and Don'ts when creating your guest list:

Do first think about your budget. Feeding and providing alcohol to all those people adds up, so first think about how many people you can afford to invite.

Do only invite people you actually want there. Skip the people who you feel like you have to invite out of obligation - and you can even skip "plus ones" if you don't actually know who the guest would be.

Do set policies and stick with them. Be consistent in the "rules" you set. For example, are kids invited? Are co-workers invited? Are exes invited?

Don't let your parents/family be pushy about the guest list...even if they are helping to pay. This means that if your parents are involved in the wedding and want to invite their co-workers, neighbors and friends (which is pretty unusual, by the way), stand your ground!

Don't invite people who don't support gay marriage. This means that if your Great Aunt Ellen signs anti-gay marriage petitions, then she shouldn't make the cut - unless you think she's flexible or could be convinced.

Who's making the cut on your wedding guest list?

(photo by www.gfergphoto.com)

Gay Weddings in Restaurants

Gay weddings at restaurants can be some of the easiest weddings to plan if you are doing it yourself.

There are some serious advantages to choosing the private dining room of a great restaurant:

• There is usually no room rental fee.
• There is often a great chef with delicious, locally grown and seasonal food.
• Restaurants come in all shapes and sizes and styles - they're not generally a "blank canvas" so if you like their decor, you can save money on wedding design.
• The bar tab is on consumption so the party can theoretically go all night (or til the restaurant closes) so the wedding doesn't have to feel rushed.

And the disadvantages:

• There is often no good place to have the ceremony onsite.
• Many private dining room coordinators aren't experienced with weddings so there may be a learning curve.
• There is often no dedicated outside area if you require one.
• Many private dining rooms don't have windows.
• Most private dining rooms have a maximum capacity of around 50-60 guests so you may be limited in choices unless you would consider a full restaurant buyout (in which the restaurant closes for your party).

Some couples looking for a wedding bigger than what will fit in a private dining room still choose a restaurant. To do so, they have to buy it out. This means that the restaurant will be closed to the public for the private party and the couple would pay the restaurant a minimum amount (typically starts at $10,000) for the right to use the entire restaurant for the night.

That said, I've had many gay weddings at restaurants and they are lovely. Are you considering hosting your gay wedding in a restaurant?

Sexy Signature Cocktails

Creating a signature cocktail party for your wedding has a variety of purposes. First off, it can be a money saver if you offer your guests only a signature cocktail, beer and wine. Secondly, it's another way to be thematic and personalize your wedding!

Our own wedding's signature cocktail was a big hit. During our wedding planning, we invited a few friends over to help us choose the perfect cocktail to serve our guests. We ended up making and serving a bunch of god-awful tasting drinks, including some with curacao and coconut rum! Never again! But it was a great excuse for a mini party...

We settled on the Wild Irish Rose, and tried several iterations of our own creation...try it out for yourself - you'll never taste the Jameson's.

In a cocktail shaker, combine the following over ice:
2oz Jameson's
1/2 oz grenadine
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice

Shake and serve straight up in a chilled martini glass with a sugared rim. Delicious and pretty in pink - though that's the only pink you'll see at our wedding.

So, what's your signature cocktail? I'm always looking to try new cocktail recipes, especially on chilly fall nights!

(photo by Infinity Portrait Design)

Planning a Wedding in a Private Home

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer?
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn?
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains?
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise?
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens.
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator.
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed?

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

(photo by Closed Circle Photo)

Cocktail Reception Type Weddings

Cocktail party style weddings are very trendy right now, particularly with couples who want to do something nontraditional. While sit down dinners are great, they are not for everyone. This style of wedding can work extremely well - or it can be a disaster. Keep these tips on mind to avoid the pitfalls of such a wedding.

1. Feed your guests - a lot. Just because it's a cocktail party style event doesn't mean you can skimp on food. Whether you have passed hors d'oeuvres all night or some good stations mixed in, keep the food flowing. Your food budget will probably not be less than a typical sit down dinner, so get that idea out of your head! Your guests may be drinking more of the hard stuff since there's no tableside wine service with dinner so you have to keep them well fed. The last thing you want is guests bad-mouthing you because they had to go out for pizza on the way home from the wedding.

2. Provide enough seating. I suggest at least seats for at least 50% of your guests. These seats can be lounge seats, small cocktail tables, bar seating, picnic benches or whatever floats your boat - but at some point each guest will want to sit so don't leave them hunting for a chair. If you have many guests over the age of 60, then provide even more seating.

3. Provide adequate flow. Just because it's a cocktail party doesn't mean there shouldn't be a first dance, toasts, a cake cutting or other forms of entertainment. You may have some wallflowers in your group who need conversation starters and those elements do just that. Don't let anyone get bored or the party will end early. I promise.

4. Be aware of time. Most wedding venues rent for a 5 hour reception. Your guests will start to lose steam at the 3-4 hour mark unless there is dancing - but many cocktail party style weddings don't have dancing. Don't tell the guests this, but plan for a 4 hour reception and make a game day decision to keep the party going if guests are still having a blast. Tell your vendors that this could be a last minute decision and assign your wedding planner or friend to make the call so you don't have to worry about a thing.

5. Communicate with your guests. Let them know it's a cocktail party rather than a sit down dinner by using the term 'cocktail reception' on your wedding invitation. This sends a signal that they may get less food and that they may want to wear more sensible shoes because of all the standing around. Help everybody by managing their expectations.

Are you planning to host a cocktail reception instead a formal dinner?

Special Discount for Standing On Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays

We are very proud to offer friends of Gay Weddings on the Knot a special discount to the upcoming off-Broadway production Standing On Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays, which opens on November 13 in New York. The show previously had a very successful run in L.A.

Standing On Ceremony is a series of short plays written by legendary playwrights such as Neil LaBute, Mo Gaffney and Paul Rudnick. During opening night, the play will be simulcast to 40 cinemas throughout the U.S. A portion of ticket sales for every show will be donated to Freedom to Marryand other marriage equality organizations.

Jen and I will definitely be going and I hope you check it out! To purchase tickets at the discounted rate of $49 (down from $79) use code PLAY49 at Ticketmaster or when you call 800-982-2787.

As you know, I believe that stories change the world....and the stories heard during this play are sure to make an impact!

(photo by Prideful Engagements)

Considerations When Hiring a Wedding Photographer

Wedding photography is an investment – don’t skimp on it! It’s one of the few things that will remain long after your wedding is over. You probably already know that most wedding photographers shoot with digital cameras, not film but here are some other questions to ask yourselves before you even pick up the phone to call photographers:

Are you planning to see each other before the wedding? Most gay couples I’ve worked with have had their formal group photos taken before the ceremony so that they can immediately enjoy cocktail hour with their guests. As a point of reference, many straight couples first see each other when the bride walks down the aisle and have their formal photos taken during cocktail hour.

Do you want a photographer who will shoot all day? This could include those shots of you and your partner getting ready for the wedding and formal photos before the ceremony? Or do you just want wedding day coverage?

What photographic style are you drawn to? Photos that look like fine art or capture little moments? Photos that look like they could be from a fashion magazine? There are names for all those styles so think about the kind you like best.

Are you planning to walk down two aisles or enter your wedding ceremony from two different directions? If so, you may want to consider asking the photographer to bring an assistant.

Will you need lots of formal group shots? Those are the shots that include your wedding party and family members.

Will you want a wedding album? This design service is provided by most photographers but you can also create one on your own through a website like www.AlbumBoutique.com

Once you’ve answered those questions yourselves, you’ll be much better prepared to meet a photographer. Keep in mind you will be spending 6+ hours with a photographer on your wedding day and should like his or her personality. When you’re meeting the photographer, there are some requisite questions to ask in addition to reviewing their portfolio, but above all, you should click with the photographer. Here’s a standard list of questions when interviewing a photographer:

· Have you shot a gay wedding before?

· How would you describe your style?

· How many photos do you shoot at a typical wedding?

· Do we get proofs of the images?

· What level of editing do you provide photos before we receive them? Color correction, getting rid of EXIT signs, etc?

· Do we get full use of high resolution images after the wedding?

· Do we book an album through you or can we make our own?

· How long does it take for you to give us the high resolution wedding photos?

· How long does it take for you to produce an album?

· What is your back up plan in case of emergency?

· Do you offer an assistant and for how much extra?

· Do you offer an engagement photo shoot and for how much extra?

· How many weddings do you shoot in a weekend?

· How is your pricing structured?

Photo by Prideful Engagements

Getting Married by a Military Chaplain

It's super exciting that the Pentagon will now let military chaplains officiate gay marriage ceremonies. This is in light of the recent repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

We have worked with many couples who are former or current military. In fact, one of our brides who was married last Saturday was a manager at an Air Force base in Afghanistan, and would have loved to have the option of being married by a military chaplain.

So, because we dream in logistics, some important considerations if you are interested in being married by a military chaplain:

1. First off, the chaplain has the right to say no, that he or she is not comfortable officiating the ceremony or if it goes against his or her personal or religious beliefs. So not all chaplains are an option for you.

2. The ceremony must be legal and you must live in a state where same-sex marriage is legal. Military chaplains are only allowed to perform legal marriage ceremonies for couples who live in states where a legal ceremony is an option.

3. The ceremony must be on a military base.

Is this something you would consider for your marriage?

(photo by Katje Hempel)

Five Tips for an Amazing Gay Wedding

I'm normally one to say something like "screw the rules and reinvent the wedding" and we do - every day with the gay weddings we produce. But anyone who knows me knows my obsession with wedding ceremonies and the wedding flow, so I really do believe a great wedding should follow some simple rules because, no matter how beautiful your 20 foot bar is, it makes no difference to your guests if they are waiting in line 20 minutes for a cocktail.

My rules for planning a fabulous gay wedding:

1. Care about the ceremony and put some thought into it. After all, if you really think about it, gay weddings change the world and it all starts with the celebration of marriage.

2. Think about the guests' experience. How do they know where to go, where to park, where to walk? What is the first thing they see, hear, touch, taste, smell and experience when they enter the space? How do they feel welcome and accommodated?

3. Hire enough bartenders and order enough food. Cocktail hour is the busiest time of a wedding. If you don't have enough bartenders, your guests will get annoyed. If you are afraid that there will be a huge line at the bar, then have servers passing some drinks to guests. Order enough food so that the guests aren't waiting for food to come out of the kitchen and the hors d'oeuvres don't run out before cocktail hour is over. Don't skimp!

4. Make your wedding interactive and provide conversation starters, particularly if you pass on wedding traditions. Don't just have dinner and dancing but add enough elements so your guests aren't bored.

5. Be Yourselves. These rules can be interpreted and personalized any way you want - it's your wedding and your expression of your relationship and now, marriage. It's not your mom's or sister's gay wedding. Follow your heart and your instinct and put your own stamp on the experience.

Do you think these rules are too strict? What rules are you following for your own wedding day?

Photo by Kat Hempel

Setting Your Wedding Budget

Your wedding budget dictates many things about your wedding and truly, before you do almost anything else, you have to figure out what your budget is and where the money is coming from. It's an absolute imperative. First establish whether there will be any financial support from parents, and if possible, exactly how much. I know it's a difficult conversation to have but the more you put it off, the more difficult it will be.

The cost of a wedding varies greatly by region of the country. For example, a wedding in New York City is much more expensive than a wedding in Memphis or even a wedding in Chicago. As a general rule of thumb, if you are going to feed your guests a full dinner (whether's it's plated or a buffet), give them hors d'oeuvres, have an open bar and a wedding cake, you should expect to pay $100 and up (and it can go WAY up) per guest. And that $100 per person charge doesn't typically include things like sales tax, gratuity or an administrative and/or venue rental fee, which can be another 30% or more.

Add to that professional photography, wedding planning, invitations, music, officiant, etc and weddings get pricey. Don't be scared - just be realistic and honest with yourself about what you can and cannot afford. And trust me, your wedding is worth it!!

photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Three Days of Parties (aka The Wedding Weekend)

Three days of parties. That's my term for what most people call "the wedding weekend." You know, where you have a bunch of out of town guests and plan something like a rehearsal dinner on Friday night, the wedding on Saturday and brunch on Sunday.

I think we can do better than that...that's very typical. Let's have three days of parties. Our clients do it all the time.

Think about it. Your wedding is probably the only time in your life all of your loved ones are in one place - and they are there to celebrate YOU. Might as well enjoy it all. Here's what three days of parties looks like for many of our clients:

Day 1 - Guest arrival

• Receive fun, whimsical and creative welcome basket upon hotel check in
• If you're in a city, evening cocktail party with heavy passed hors d'oeuvres and a very fun, casual vibe
• If you're somewhere more remote, a casual cookout style event with a bonfire on the beach, s'mores, etc

Day 2 - Tourist stuff and wedding

• If you're in a big city, arrange tickets to a game, tickets to a museum, tickets on some fun and cheesy tour with lunch
• If you're somewhere more remote, coordinated group activities (kayaking, games, hikes)
• If you're somewhere like Provincetown, group shopping and dining excursion, possibly a whale watch or Dune Tour
• Everyone freshens up and the couple gets ready for the wedding
• The wedding!
• After party!

Day 3 - Brunch and departures

• Most of your guests will head out on Sunday but send them off with a really sweet brunch with bloody marys and mimosas to aid in recovery - and be sure to be present at the brunch yourself to say goodbye to your guests!

How are you planning to show your guests a good time?

(Photo by Jag Studios, of a bonfire and s'mores at a private vacation rental on Cape Cod)

Creating Your Wedding Website

I always recommend creating a wedding website as a central location for all of your wedding information - but I have some special tips to share to do this most effectively:

• Buy your personal domain - i.e. www.bobandbill.com - thru GoDaddy.com (my preferred site for domain registration)
• Set up a free wedding website thru a site like WeddingWire.com which has some nice templates and allows you to be two brides or two grooms (you have to look through and change the icons, under settings)
• Go to the Manage My Domains section on GoDaddy and set the personal domain to forward to the often-lengthy URL provided by WeddingWire or your other wedding website
• Share your personal domain - i.e. www.bobandbill.com - on your save the dates and other wedding materials
• After the wedding, when the professional photographs are ready, back on GoDaddy, change the forwarding destination of the personal domain to the link provided by your photographer.
• Tell your guests to go to your personal domain to view your professional wedding photos.

photo by Gretje Ferguson

To Keep or Not to Keep Straight Wedding Traditions?

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing...the ceremony (often religious), photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest peeps?!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Closed Circle Photo)

Planning Your Gay Wedding from Across the Country

Gay weddings are a destination business. Many couples plan their wedding in a place where it's legal from clear across the country. We've had clients from about 30 U.S. states. It's definitely a challenge finding the right team of people to work with when you live somewhere else, especially if you are concerned about minimizing the number of planning trips you have to take to your wedding destination.

So, whether you are planning a New York gay wedding, a Boston or Provincetown gay wedding, or going to Vermont or somewhere else, there are a few tips that are notable:

1. Make those trips count. You should be exhausted by the end! You should book yourselves solid during those few days you are planning. Maybe you've scheduled 10 venue site visits. If you haven't, then you should on your first trip And don't stop there. Meet as many photographers, bakers, etc during each visit as you can. You should return home with a bunch of things crossed off your list of things to do.

2. Prioritize. What types of vendors are you most comfortable hiring over the phone or by email? Some of my clients are cool dealing with floral and music by phone and email. Some need to meet every single person they hire. For example, of course you're going to want to taste cake and have a catering tasting during your visit. Make your appointments wisely.

3. Skype! Skype is your friend. Most of us in the wedding industry are used to Skyping with our clients, so if you can't meet personally with every vendor, then Skype is the next best thing so you can get some face time.

4. Hire a wedding planner (preferably one experienced with gay weddings)! Of course, this makes everything easier so that your trips are well organized and your time is well spent.

5. Consolidate your appointments. During your last trip before the wedding, get everybody in the same room at the same time so that you can all be on the same page and talk through the wedding schedule, flow and design together. Some vendors (like the photographer and baker) don't need to be there, but if you can get the caterer, florist, wedding planner and venue manager there, that's an excellent use of your time.

Are you planing a long distance destination wedding?

(photo of one of our weddings planned long distance, by Kat Hempel)

Planning a Green Gay Wedding

Green Weddings

Planning a green or organic wedding need not be a sacrifice or a compromise of your fabulous gay wedding vision. It's actually quite easy to be green. Here are a few tips:

Clothing

Hemp wedding gowns used to be hideous – but now there are actually many stylish options. Check out this site for some ideas for your gown and bridesmaids dresses. Consider a wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses than can be worn again. Consider repurposing a mom’s wedding dress.

Venue

There are many hotels and other venues in the Greater Boston area that are energy-ecient, use

environmentally friendly products, have comprehensive recycling programs and minimize water, waste and toxins. Other spaces charge a rental fee that support efforts to preserve beautiful places.

Invitations and Stationary

Eco-friendly invitations exist – partially-recycled paper is fairly easy to nd and it's even possible to order paper that's plantable with embedded seeds. Minimize the use of stationary by eliminating save the date cards, ceremony programs and place cards.

Food and Drink

Beyond the obvious – organic food, cake, beer and wine – you can simply consider local ingredients. Massachusetts has many local farms that supply the nest restaurants and caterers, and locally grown food always tastes better. There are several local cake bakeries that will use only organic ingredients.

Décor

Organic owers can be tricky to nd but locally grown owers are great, too. Use owers that are in season that do not need to be transported from around the world (orchids are extremely popular but come to us from Asia, for example). Ask if your orist will rent vases or if they have any made from recycled glass. Also consider table linens made of organic cotton, silk or recycled materials. Use beeswax or soy candles instead of the standard petroleum variety. Skip favors for guests – they won't even notice – or, better yet, instead make a donation on behalf of each to a local nonprofit organization and indicate so with a card at each table. If you do want to leave a favor, consider tulip bulbs, saplings, organic chocolate or another sustainable option.

Transportation

Cut down on transportation costs and its environmental impact by having your ceremony and reception at the same location, or within an easy walk.

Photo by Infinity Portrait Design

Do You Need a Wedding Planner?

I’m biased but I think that if you can aff ord a wedding planner, he or she is worth the expense. If you think about all the times you have to come out when planning your wedding you’ll realize

how nice it would be to have someone do that for you. Part of your planner’s job is to make sure every vendor you meet is as sweet as pie, not discriminatory.

Taken right from my website, here are my top fourteen reasons (in reverse order) that you need a wedding planner:

14. You live across the country but are looking to get married in a place where it’s legal and bring a bunch of loved ones with you, and have no idea who to hire or trust in that area.

13. You’re very intelligent but don’t have a good sense of how to create a cohesive vision and pull

together the right colors, fabrics, lights, sounds, and flowers to create a wedding that tells your

story.

12. Your and your partner are both busy professionals, possibly with one or more kids, a lot of friends, family, and hobbies, and just don’t have the time to make wedding plans.

11. You realize that it’s less than six months to your preferred wedding date and you have no idea where to start.

10. You have been engaged for months, still don’t have a date, and are too overwhelmed to sort

through the 770,000 wedding venues that showed up in Google.

9. You need someone to manage your budget and make sure you stick to it.

8. You want to be sure that the vendors you hire are reliable, trustworthy, and do beautiful work.

7. You have a vision for your wedding, but don’t know how to turn your ideas into reality (and you might need help convincing your fi ancé that your ideas aren’t that crazy).

6. You want to avoid the mistakes you’ve seen at other people’s weddings—poor fl ow to the event, not enough people dancing, the wedding ending early, bad food, cheesy DJ and more.

5. You want to save money! You love the idea of a planner who can help you receive discounts from vendors and give you tips on how to save money.

4. You don’t want to be asked when you walk into a bridal, cake or fl oral studio, “so which one of

you is the bride?” or “where’s the bride?”

3. The etiquette questions are driving you mad: who to invite, what wording to use, how to deal

with family issues, whether to invite kids, and more.

2. You don’t want to worry on your big day. The last thing you want on your wedding day is to

worry about the schedule, the fl ow, where to put the guestbook, if the DJ will be late, the flowers and the cake.

1. And finally, you want to enjoy your engagement! You want to spend the months prior to your

wedding spending quality time with your fiancée, planning your honeymoon, picking out china, and otherwise daydreaming about blissful married life!

photo by Jag Studios

Wedding Invitation Wording for Gay Wedding Invitations

When you are deciding how to word your wedding invitations, most couples start with who is hosting the wedding. And by hosting, I mean actively supporting and/or paying for the wedding. The hosts could be a combination of parents, families, brides or grooms, their kids, etc. And that's how invitations start.

For example:

Parents Inviting:
Jeffrey and Theresa Person
and
Joseph and Eileen Thompson
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage uniting their children
Joanne Person and Jamie Thompson

Couple Inviting:
Joanne Person and Jamie Thompson
request the pleasure of your company...

Couple and Parents/Family:
Together with our parents (you can substitute families)
Joanne Person and Jamie Thompson
request the pleasure of your company...

or

Joanne Person and Jamie Thompson
together with our parents (you can substitute families)
request the pleasure of your company...

Couple and their Children:
Joanne Person and Jamie Thompson
together with Louis and Julia
request the pleasure of your company...

If the names of the two brides or two grooms are on two separate lines, then who goes first? Alphabetical of course!

Here are some examples of the "request" line that I like:

• joyfully invite you to share in their celebration of marriage
• please share in our gaiety as we wed (those were very silly brides!)
• joyfully request the honor of your presence
• invite you to rejoice in our love
• invite you to join in the celebration

And don't forget your invitation suite should also include a response card or postcard and also a logistics card with directions and your wedding website URL.

What's Normal? What Does a Gay Wedding Look Like?

One of the questions I often get from couples and clients (and reporters and anyone curious about gay weddings) is, “What’s normal? What does a gay wedding look like?” This is one of the reasons I developed a seminar for engaged same-sex couples and another seminar for those in the wedding industry hoping to work with them—and it’s the main reason I wrote my book!

Every time gay marriage becomes legal in a new place, this question arises over and over. Couples never expected the day would come and don’t know what to do to prepare or how to make their wedding special. In fact, I went to an event recently where I heard a story of an Iowa couple who came to Massachusetts to get married one week before the ruling legalizing gay marriage in Iowa was issued. I know that when many same-sex couples in Iowa began applying for their marriage licenses, they were thinking, “Now what? How the heck do I plan a gay wedding?”

You should know that any wedding, gay or straight, should be about the personality and style of the couple. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. The fundamental decisions are the same regardless of the couple’s orientation. You have to think about how much to spend, who to invite, what kind of celebration to have, and where to have it. This is your wedding and you've waited long enough for the rights - don't let anyone ever say anything to you like, "That's not what happens at a REAL wedding." You can define what is your own normal.

photo by Closed Circle Photography

Questions for Wedding Officiants

Whether you choose a friend or someone else to marry you, to help you find the person who is best for your needs, here are some questions to ask when meeting with officiants:

• What is your experience with marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples?
• How do you charge? (You’ll notice that some officiants charge a fee and others accept donations or honorariums, which often go toward the house of worship that they’re affiliated with. Most often these fees are paid in advance, but if not, the payment should include a note of appreciation. This is traditionally presented by the best man, but in gay weddings, can be presented by your wedding planner, best person, or even yourself.)
• Do you provide a ceremony microphone for yourself and readers? (I recommend a microphone for weddings with more than fifty guests.)
• Will you attend and run the ceremony rehearsal? If the officiant performs several ceremonies in one weekend, find out whether he or she will be at your rehearsal. Some may not, and if you and/or your planner are not comfortable with that, choose someone else.
• Do you write custom ceremonies?
• Do you require pre-marital counseling?
• Can we write our own vows?
• Do you have sample readings?
• How long do your marriage ceremonies usually last?
• Do you have any audio or video footage of a ceremony you officiated?

Note that it’s traditional for the officiant and his or her spouse (if applicable) to be invited to the rehearsal dinner and wedding. The officiants I know usually decline because they have their own families and perform at many weddings. But it is a nice gesture to invite them nonetheless.

Who is officiating your wedding ceremony?

(Photo by Kat Hempel)

Most Popular Gay Wedding Ceremony Readings

I say this all the time, but my favorite part of gay weddings is the ceremony. We've fought for the right to legally marry, and the ceremony is the chance to truly celebrate that, in a personal and meaningful way. Many same-sex couples will travel to New York for gay weddings and I hope they take the care to craft a beautiful ceremony which brings out the waterworks in friends and family. If you're looking for someone to help with that, hire a Celebrant to write the script for you and officiate!

Here are the top five most commonly read readings at gay weddings in Boston, New York and throughout New England, based on my experience witnessing hundreds of gay wedding ceremonies:

5. Corinthians, from the Bible. This may surprise many of you but it's an oldie but goodie...

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

4. From Touched by an Angel, by Maya Angelou:

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

3. Excerpt from Song of the Open Road, by Walt Whitman, our celebrated gay writer:

I do not offer the old smooth prizes,
But offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is called riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve.
However sweet the laid-up stores,
However convenient the dwellings,
You shall not remain there.
However sheltered the port,
And however calm the waters,
You shall not anchor there.
However welcome the hospitality that welcomes you
You are permitted to receive it but a little while
Afoot and lighthearted, take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before you,
The long brown path before you,
leading wherever you choose.
Say only to one another:
Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love, more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law:
Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?

2. The Art of Marriage, author unknown

A good marriage must be created.

In the art of marriage the little things are the big things –-
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once each day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right partner –-
It is being the right partner.

1. Excerpt from the Goodridge v The Massachusetts Department of Public Health ruling (written by Judge Margaret Marshall) that first legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts:

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations....Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance." ...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family.... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.

What readings are you having at your gay wedding ceremony?

photo by Casey McCormack

Gay Friendly Wedding Vendors in New York

For couples who are planning a New York gay wedding, it's easy to be overwhelmed by all the options. There are so many search results that come up in google when you search "New York wedding venue" or "New York gay wedding venue", for example.

So how do find the wedding vendors who you know will truly have your back? Who will truly be the most inclusive and supportive advocates for you and your partner during your wedding planning process? There are a lot of New Yorkers (yes, even in the wedding industry) who don't believe in gay marriage.

Your first stop should be www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com, of course! Their wedding vendor directory is the only one in the U.S. that makes sure that the included vendors not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. Those wedding vendors have proven to SYE that they have gender neutral photos and marketing materials so same-sex couples don't feel isolated or "less than." I really admire their integrity and their directory is vast, with vendors for whatever your style and taste is.

So you can visit www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com on the web, of course, or just download our very own Gay Wedding Confidential wedding planning app (it's free!) and the SYE directory is built right in. Gay wedding planning at your fingertips!

(Photo by Cheryl Levine)

Five Tips for a Great New York Gay Wedding

Now that same-sex marriage is legal in New York, I'm sure that many of you have started your planning! Here are some tips for planning an incredible wedding in New York!

1. "I now pronounce you LEGALLY married!" That's a very powerful statement and it'll be made in one more state. Your guests will be in tears of joy for you as you are legally married. Consider hiring a Celebrant to write a personal and meaningful wedding ceremony for you.

2. Gay wedding traditions are alive and well. Think about incorporating one or more into your wedding, such as offering champagne to the guests before the wedding ceremony starts.

3. New York is so much more than New York City. You can also have a barn wedding in the Hudson Valley, a vineyard wedding on Long Island, or even a wedding in Niagra Falls. The choices are endless!

4. New York City weddings cost more than most places in the country. If you are planning a wedding in New York City and are budget-conscious, keep an eye on that guest list as an area for savings.

5. Remember that your wedding is your own. It's not your mom's, or your sister's, or your Aunt Suzie's. You can have any kind of wedding you want. Ignore any pressure you may get to follow tradition and feel free to have fun with the plans and make them extra reflective of who you are as a couple

And of course, we can help!

Are you planning a same-sex wedding in New York?

(photo by Kat Hempel)